Adult Children of Alcoholics, Addicts, or Dysfunction
ACA, ACoA, or ACAD
“It is challenging to face into and accept that we grew up in a dysfunctional household. For me, it wasn’t until my late 20s that I acknowledged the dysfunctional family I grew up in. At my core I knew things were just not right; our household was different than my friends’. I would fantasize about being in a different family and I wanted to be elsewhere more than at home. Something felt off and I did not have the language or understanding for those feelings. I was confused but I was also protective of my family. The culture I grew up in was inundated with alcohol. They accepted the daily use of alcohol as normal, especially socially, and my mother didn’t get blackout or stumbling drunk. She was kind, well-liked, and went to work early in the mornings. However, messages from society and media portrayed a different version of an alcoholic – one who stumbles, yells, and passes out on the floor.
“At first, I found it difficult to confront these incongruencies and come to accept the reality that my mother is also an alcoholic. In my quest to understand, I came to learn that my mother’s daily social drinking was something she depended on. This awareness helped me make sense of her behavior when she was drinking: swerving down the road at high speeds while I sat terrified in the back, her disappearing for long hours even days without telling anyone where she was, taking me along into bars for hours, and I only recall her enjoying herself and having fun with a drink in hand. This awareness also helped me make sense of her behavior when she wasn’t drinking: her crying spells, allowing me to grow up with little to no rules, boundaries, or supervision, her absence from my sports games, her inability to connect with me on the emotional level that I craved. I realized I was deeply affected by both what did happen and what did not happen because of my mother’s alcoholism.
“While I experienced a wave of relief sharing with a friend for the first time, “my mom is an alcoholic,” I also felt scared as I said those words and wondered what that meant for or about me. I asked myself, what would I do now?
“Straddled between fear and curiosity, I read every book I could find about Adult Children of Alcoholics and growing up in a dysfunctional household. I quickly realized this was really my truth. I grew up in a dysfunctional household and I am not crazy, the chaos within the household was crazy! I started asking my friends about their households to find allies and learned that no one talks about this stuff! We keep these family systems a secret. We all have mastered holding the silence, staying in denial, and walking carefully between the ridged lines of spoken and unspoken rules. I also learned that even though my community is supportive they also do not understand what it is like.
“I imagine if you are still reading this, you might be a fellow adult child of dysfunction. Please hear these words; you are not alone, you are not crazy, you are a warrior!”
— Shelly Froehlich, Founder of Evolve In Nature
What is an Adult Child of Alcoholic, Addict, or Dysfunction?
An ACA, ACoA, or ACAD is someone who grew up in an environment in which one or both parents more frequently than not, drank alcohol or binge drank, participated in legal, illegal, and/or over-the-counter drugs, or may have had a diagnosed or undiagnosed mental illness. Whether you grew up with a casual drinker, an alcoholic, or other dysfunction such as drugs, some other addiction, or mental illness, you might relate with: guessing at what normal is, constantly seeking approval, judging yourself, inability to trust, are super responsible, and/or have difficulty with intimate relationships.
Regardless of the dysfunction, an individual adapts to an environment and acquires behaviors and traits to create safety that later present as maladaptive.
Adult children of alcoholics or any dysfunction make up over 40% of the US population. This statistic seems to be a secret, perhaps similar to the secrets within the household. Growing up in a household with alcohol or dysfunction is painful and even traumatizing. These children had to become overly responsible; taking care of one's self and the family, and possibly missed out on the adventures of being a kid. They might have lived in fear and guilt for not being able to save the parent(s). As a result, these children grow up and master having a low self-esteem, struggle with trust, boundaries, intimacy, jealousy, have a high acceptance for unacceptable behavior of others, have their own addictions, impulsive behaviors, tell lies, avoid conflict, fear of abandonment, and put other's needs before one's self.
Uncovering the Dysfunctional Behaviors
People often believe that after moving out of their parent’s home the family dynamics and childhood issues are a product of the past. However, soon after the move similar issues, feelings, and relationship behaviors that were a product of the home environment begin to surface. Family environments that support children growing up to feel wanted and invaluable are ideal. Those children see and learn that they are important, and it is positive to express one’s feelings and needs. These children most commonly grow up learning how to form healthy, strong, and conscious relationships. Unfortunately, numerous families fall short of providing emotional and physical support, and the communication patterns significantly diminish a child’s ability to express one’s needs and feelings. Consequently, these children grow up with lower self-esteem, feel unimportant, or put their needs and desires far behind that of others. As a result of lower self-esteem, they form and stay in unfulfilling and often times abusive relationships. Other common behaviors and traits of growing up in a home with alcohol, addiction, or dysfunction are: not telling the truth, difficulty having fun, take one’s self very seriously, significant self-judgment, unsure of what normal is, continually seeking approval, over or under responsible, intensely loyal even in the face of agony, lack of boundaries, and fear of abandonment.
Occurrences in a Dysfunctional Home
Every family varies in the level of dysfunction and dysfunctional occurrences. When the dysfunctional behaviors become the normal functioning it consequently cultivates neglect and abuse. Children in these homes experience and witness one or more of:
Addictions (alcohol, drugs, working, gambling, sex, physical fitness, or overeating, etc.)
Parental control through threats and/or physical violence. Children commonly see this control played out as forms of discipline on oneself, someone else, or coerced to participate in the violence as well. These are also known as explosive outbursts.
Children taking care of their parents (physically and emotionally). A couple of examples are cheering up a depressed parent, covering up details or making up stories to tell others or physically cleaning up after them. You might double as the parent’s emotional support rather than the parent processing with adult friends.
Parents fail to provide or threaten to withdraw physical and/or financial support of the children. The children ultimately starve from not receiving the necessary emotional support and guidance.
Poor demonstration of boundaries from the parent(s). Examples: adults processing their emotional state or life circumstances with the child, sleeping in the same bed with the child, or not holding the child to a curfew or knowing who the child is spending time with. Inconsistent boundaries for multiple children.
Parents telling lies, secrets, denying, stealing, and cheating.
Parents not coming home for long periods of time. It was unpredictable when they would be home or away.
Very rigid, totalitarian power and control from the parents. Rigidity often revolves around politics, religion, finances, or other personal issues. The children must follow these rigid rules.
Consistently asking themselves, “What is really happening?” as a result of incongruence between what the child experienced and what the parent says happened. For example, a child witnesses a disastrous event and the caregiver speaks about it as a ‘fun time’.
Obligation to take a caregiver’s side during conflicts.
Parents are intrusive, overly protective, involved or extremely uninvolved or distant.
Experiences fear of: abandonment, unpredictability, abuse, basic needs being met such as having food available to eat
Criticized, diminished, unappreciated for thoughts, efforts, and/or feelings.
Parent excessively controls whom the child friends and when and where the child spends time with friends. The opposite is true as well, when the parent has no boundaries with regard to who, when or where the child spends time.
Lack of safety; being locked out of a room or house, physically hit, slapped, kicked, scratched, yelled at, offered the use of substances, left alone with someone
Characteristics of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.
Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.
Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.
Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.
Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.
Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.
Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess. (by Janet G. Woititz)
If any of these characteristics ring true for you or someone you care about, there is support available. We offer individual and group therapy specifically around issues of growing up with alcohol and/or any dysfunction in the house. Now is the time to break free of suppressing feelings, keeping secrets, guessing at what normal is, finding yourself in unhealthy relationships, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Please reach out for some support!
How This All Manifests In One’s Life Now
Neglect and abuse constrain the child’s progression of trust in themselves, others, and in the world. As adult, adult children of alcoholics, addiction, or any dysfunction might struggle with trusting other people’s behaviors and words, their own decisions, behaviors and sense of self-worthiness. This trickles into issues with their identity, relationships, academics, and/or career. As an adult the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional home often manifest in one, some, or all of the following behaviors:
Lie out of fear
Overly responsible whether in conflict or in caregiving
Quick to anger
Walk on eggshells in relationships
Codependent
Hide or deny true feelings. Unsure of one’s Self
Controlling of self, others or situations
Low self-esteem and negative internal beliefs
Depression
Anxiety
Repeat parent’s behaviors with own children, i.e. not playing with kids, giving kids too much responsibility, totalitarian parenting style, detached/disconnected from children, have a hard time setting limits or boundaries with children
Have trouble receiving care from others
Fear of abandonment
Jealousy
Addiction
Scared
Lack of boundaries
Trouble saying no
Healing
This begins with you and is some of the most profound healing you can embark on. The process of healing these old and very deep wounds is a journey, takes time, courage, and commitment. Consider reaching out for support; individual therapy and/or group process.
Our psychoeducational, therapeutic process group delivers tremendous healing and support. We offer participants a safe place to be with other people with similar household dynamics, others who just get what you went through and what you are saying. With the support of this community, participants can be themselves, overcome any denial or secrets that are held, shift from the deep, dark well of shame and acquire self-worth, share thoughts and emotions, and learn more about the dynamics of living in environments with substance abuse, coping strategies for life’s challenges and the current effects of having grown up in this environment. These groups are not for blaming our parents but promote taking personal responsibility, recognizing where our wounds originated and find a path of healing. Together, we learn about one’s self, that we are not alone, identify characteristics of ourselves that kept us alive, how those characteristics show up in our relationships today, and how to open up to grieving the losses. We learn alternative ways to conflict resolution, discover boundaries, how to maintain healthy relationships, our identity, how to vocalize what we are experiencing and what we most want, and how to step into our true power as an adult.
Upcoming Groups
These groups (in-person group & online video group) provide a psycho-educational and therapeutic environment for people who grew up or are living in a household with substance or other dysfunction. This support group offers participants a safe place to be with other people with similar household qualities. With the support of this community, participants can be themselves, overcome any denial or secrets he or she has held, share thoughts and emotions, and learn more about the dynamics of living in environments with substance abuse and coping strategies for life’s challenges.
Please see our ACoA Group Therapy page for more information.
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