Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Household - Part 2 - Learned Coping Behaviors

By Shelly Froehlich, LPC

Learned Coping Behaviors and Methods of Survival

 

Families at all stages of development are prone to influences coming from within and outside the family unit and are down right challenging. This meaning that external factors such as jobs, friendships, community, proximity to natural green space, socio-economic status, religion, crime/violence, media, and political policies influence how families function. Right alongside, you’ll see the internal factors such as communication (between siblings, arguments between parents, or up the command chain – child to adult), nutrition, exercise, empathy, core values, knowledge, self-efficacy, honesty, addiction, alcoholism, and mental/emotional states, play integral roles in family development. Acknowledging where influences come from can help in better understanding the complicated dynamics, which are constantly at play. As we explore the dysfunctional characteristics more in depth, you’ll notice coping behaviors taken on by anyone as a way to adapt or survive the negative internal influences. These are often unconscious behaviors, become standard protocol or code of conduct and go unnoticed for quite some time. These behaviors are seen as and often are, normal within the family unit; however, become maladaptive later in life.

So what are these coping behaviors anyway? Avoidance, silence, denial, enabling (mistaken for altruism), passive aggression, spiritual bypassing, compartmentalizing, dissociation, self-harm, repression, suppression, trivializing, lying, humor, substance use, porn addiction, and food consumption are common.   

Let’s examine a hypothetical dysfunctional family situation. In the Robertson family, child, Sam (gender neutral) learns to cope with an alcoholic parent by avoiding their father when he comes home after a night of drinking, which happens frequently. In addition to avoidance, the child learns to not invite friends over or, for that matter, get close to anyone in fear of allowing them to experience the unpredictable, loud, intoxicated father. Sam avoids dad by staying in their bedroom (leads to isolation), is disconnected from parental support, connection, positive attention, and from friend support and engagement. Sam has learned to stick to one’s self and keep silent as to their experience(s) of dad. Sam also learns to occupy time through gaming or subscribing to porn over the Internet all while suppressing emotions related to this situation. When a parent asks Sam what they are working on, Sam answers with, “Working on my homework” (lying). These methods of keeping others at a distance continue after the child leaves home.

Children similar to Sam growing up in dysfunctional families often grow into adults who end up struggling with some of these traits: trusting others, sustaining intimate relationships, telling the truth, posses a tremendous fear of abandonment, over or under responsible, lack of boundaries, minimal or poor follow through, issues with addiction, constantly seek approval, and are extremely loyal even when in terrible situations/relationships. Unlearning and revamping someone’s methods of interacting with society, the self, and others within the family can sometimes take years to accomplish, depending on the severity of childhood experiences, traumas, resources, and one’s willingness to change. There are healthy ways to heal. This begins with identifying and naming what happened and didn’t happen in one’s household, making connections with what were dysfunctional behaviors, and coping strategies.

Thankfully there are resources available specifically tailored to assisting individuals dealing with trust, love, loss or even basic, day-to-day social interaction. You can find this support at Evolve In Nature whether that is through individual, couple’s, and/or group therapy. Additionally, there are effective therapy groups including Survivors of Incest or Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (ACODF), and organizations like Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA), Alanon, or Codependents Anonymous (CODA), which focus on equipping group members with self-help tools they can use to overcome their obstacles.

In the next installment of this series, we’ll be discussing specific steps that can be taken to begin the healing process. Stay tuned!

 

 

 

Growing up in a dysfunctional household - Part 1 - What Makes For a Dysfunctional Family?

By Shelly Froehlich, LPC

What makes for a dysfunctional family?

Family dynamics are complex and involve many factors contributing to how the family unit operates. Identifying and defining all of the various ways in which a family can become or sustain a dysfunctional state requires much, much more effort and time than would be deserving of a blog post. So, we’re kicking off a four-part series dealing directly with dysfunctional families, their geneses, hallmarks and other identifying characteristics. Our intention is to shed light on the questions of why and how dysfunctional families exist, how family members can cope and recover within and from them, and what we can learn about ourselves in the process of understanding the dysfunctional home in which we grew up.

What is Dysfunctional?

As people talk about what dysfunctional actually means, definitions vary. For the purpose of this discussion, we’re going to use the term ‘dysfunctional’ to refer to families in which one or both parents more frequently than not, drank alcohol, participated in legal, illegal, and/or over-the-counter drugs, addiction whether that be food, porn, shopping, substance use, and/or mental illness diagnosed or undiagnosed were present. According to the NCADD (National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence), 2017, “More than half of all adults have a family history of alcoholism or problem drinking.” That seems like a lot of homes with dysfunction and this isn’t including drugs or mental illness existing within the family. That being said, we either relate strongly with these posts or know someone close to us who does.

Here are a few examples of common characteristics found within families with dysfunction:

·      Denial - Denial runs rampant throughout the household and plays a dynamic role supporting the cycle. Acknowledging the reality of the mental illness, alcoholism, or addiction would be too painful or consequential for the rest of the family. Denial becomes the de-facto position for everyone.

o   “Mom isn’t feeling well and is sleeping.” Also known as passed out, hung over, detoxing, depressed, etc.

o   The morning after an evening of chaos, drama, and fighting everyone seems to go about business as usual and if anyone asks, “How are you doing?” the answer consistently is, “Oh great, everyone is doing so great.” 

·      Subjective love and affection - Seen through the parent giving privileged treatment, demonstrations of love and affection to one family member over another or based on one’s performance, has to be earned, or other commonly unpredictable conditions. Some reasons for preferential treatment from the parent is often related to their mood, intoxication level, their personal agenda, the child’s birth order, ability level, or physical appearance.

o   “If you play quietly in your room while we have our friends over, Daddy might read you a book before going to bed.” Or…”I’m not going to tuck you in tonight if you come out of your room before I say you can, and stop that pouting.”  “Look how sweet and beautiful your big sister is.” 

·      Unhealthy boundaries – Boundaries support our individualism, the minimum and maximum of what we want and keep us safe emotionally and physically. Growing up in a dysfunctional household one might learn very loose or ridged boundaries, maybe even no boundaries. Without clear boundaries it is nearly impossible to determine what emotions are a parents and what is the child’s or what one’s limits are. That old saying, “What is mine is yours” is detrimental when it comes to emotional space and boundaries. Children must learn Mom’s emotions are hers and she is responsible for feeling them. Children need space to play and have fun rather than being the witness and/or sounding board for a depressed parent; children need kid conversations rather than adult conversations.

o   When a kid starts their morning by punching their little sibling in the arm, it may just seem like a ritual they go through every day before going to school. Another example is a parent sobbing at the kitchen counter and sharing with the child how horrible their life is and they want to die.

o   Perhaps your parent treated you as their best friend rather than a parent.

o   Maybe you can relate to an overly or uninvolved parent; going through your personal items or missing every sports game you played in.

o   There’s also the example of witnessing your parent(s) getting high or drunk resulting in you having free reign to do whatever and go wherever you want because they don’t want to be disturbed or are too out of it to pay any attention.

Keep in mind this isn’t a comprehensive list of dysfunctional family characteristics. We’re just getting started, and in the next few installments of this series, we’ll be discussing adaptive behaviors, long-term psychological effects and how to begin the healing process. For more information you can go to: http://www.evolveinnature.com/adult-children-of-alcoholic/ 

Stay tuned!

 

 

An extraordinary week!

I think we can all agree, this has been an extraordinary week. People are experiencing a variety of emotions and symptoms such as, anxiety, sleeplessness, avoidance, trauma, loneliness, anger, irritability, nightmares, restlessness, acceptance, and old disturbances are triggered. One thing everyone in our country has in common right now is that we are all living in fear. 

Living in fear, as you know is taxing on the nervous system and like the domino effect will lead to additional and worse symptoms, leading up to PTSD. Many of you are already experiencing PESD (Post-Election Stress Disorder). That’s actually a real thing!

Our bodies are strong and resilient! The reactions you are experiencing are not an indicator that you are weak, incapable, or worthless but an indicates your system is in reaction mode. Your reptilian brain has sent alerts to your amygdala, which in turn messages your nervous system of a perceived danger. Thank goodness we have a brain to help us survive! 

Now what? We must take care of ourselves. Here’s a few options: 1) Determine what is important to you and what you need (sleep, talking, exercise, yelling/screaming, gather more information, join a support group, see your therapist, meditate, etc.), 2) Get in your body. Feel your physical sensations. Avoid challenging conversations; give yourself an hour or a day to not talk about politics. 3) Read Julie Colwell’s blog on how perfect it is Hillary lost the election. Don’t worry, she’s a die-hard Hillary fan! Here’s the link: http://juliacolwell.com/archives/1840 , 4)  Join us 11/17 at BC3 for an evening of poetry and readings with Andrea Gibson & Megan Falley. Details and link to register on Evolve In Nature’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/evolveinnature/ , 5) Join us for a morning workshop Saturday 11/19 to learn creative, and effective communication as it pertains to the election by Julie Colwell. This will help each of us have conversations with people who have opposing political view points! Details and link to register on Evolve In Nature’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/evolveinnature/  

I care tremendously about each of you and our greater community. Please reach out for any support and keep yourselves connected with others. We will all get through this….we are stronger together! 

With love,

 ~Shelly