By Heather Caldwell, LPCC
This is the third and final installment on the series about reconciliation and change. I mentioned in the two previous posts that when we speak of reconciliation, it’s typically in the context of others. For example, after a fight, we (hopefully) repair and reconcile with the other person. We make up. We forgive. We move on. In the first blog installation, I wrote about reconciling with ourselves, more specifically our shadow sides. In the second post, I wrote about how we reconcile with change itself - change that is both being imposed upon us (passing of time, being fired or let go from a job, etc.) to change that we choose (expanding/creating a family, relocating, changing careers, etc.). The second blog post also taps into what happens in our brains and bodies, and why we might have a challenging relationship with change.
This blog post looks at more global topics of change that we might struggle to accept and offers ways in which we might work towards reconciliation.
Big Picture Change
If the past two years have taught us anything with a global pandemic, unprecedented weather events, financial and/or job insecurity, political upheaval, and more, it’s that there are many things we are not in control of - or many things that are outside our locus of control. And while some of us might rationally know that there’s a lot outside our locus of control, the American narrative is that we, as individuals, are in control of our lives. We have lots of stories and metaphors to support this narrative, so the rational belief that we are not in control of some things and the narrative of being in control can feel at odds.
Being in control means we should be able to fix things (or other people) to make a situation better. And to some extent, we can and do. If I don’t like something and I’m in a position to make a different decision, I can create change. Furthermore, once we start to reconcile with change, we can even foster a healthy relationship with change. But what happens when change is BIG?
And by BIG I mean BIG! Things like global warming, or sex trafficking, or racial injustice, or starving children, or war?
Over the past few years, I’ve increasingly heard a common theme from friends, colleagues, and clients: people feel angry at the changes they see happening in the world and they feel like they have no control over the events or how the events might impact them. The inability to do something - anything - stirs up mixed feelings, mostly, helplessness and hopelessness.
These combined feelings generally lead us to shut down. When our anger has nowhere to go, where there is nothing to do, we feel impotent. Oftentimes in an effort to try to feel like we’re “doing something,” we’ll binge on the news, constantly refresh our social media feeds, and rant with our friends and family members that agree with us. Over time though, the feelings of anger and powerlessness are exhausting, overwhelming, and lead us towards immobility.
BIG Change and Reconciliation
Finding reconciliation with the change that is happening can be hard, especially when change challenges our core values, makes us question our community or family members, or threatens our future or safety. Here are a few guiding steps to hopefully help take small steps towards balance.
Switch the narrative to BOTH/AND
When we are in a place of resistance or conflict, we typically see the world as either/or. Either you believe X or you are Y. This is a limited and reactive narrative. It doesn’t allow nuance, change, or alternative perspectives.
Instead, see if you can try to invite a story of Both/And.
We can feel BOTH helpless around things out of our control AND grateful for the small actions we can do. While the actions may seem small, they invite us into a space of empowerment and connection.
I can feel BOTH outraged and hopelessly overwhelmed at the lack of resources for those who are housing insecure and living on the streets AND grateful that I can hand out blankets, gloves, and warm socks on cold winter nights to those I meet. It might not change the community’s accessibility issues, but it helps a person in that community access warmth and comfort.
I can feel BOTH frustrated and impotent about our nation’s policy on accessible and affordable childcare and helpless that all I can do is vote for policy change in hopes that *maybe* something will change one day, AND I can volunteer to be a Big Sister for the Big Brother/Big Sister program at the local chapter, or offer free childcare on Saturday afternoons so my neighbor can go grocery shopping by theirself, get a haircut, and take a bath for some much-needed self-care. It doesn’t change the fact that we need policy change, but it does change a kid’s day or that caregiver’s week.
I can feel BOTH outraged and helpless about the trash that ends up in the ocean AND offer waste-free holiday gifts this year, knowing that my actions will make a small dent in the amount of waste that ends up back in the landfill or the great pacific garbage patch.
There are plenty of places where we can focus on the small, local, and personal places to support change. It might not be the BIG change but it’s something that we can offer to change a moment for someone else in a big way.
Where are some places where you feel globally hopeless or helpless? What is the limited story of your outrage and immobility? How can you invite an alternative narrative to help you see the BOTH/AND and reconcile with our changing landscape and your place in its evolution? To help you navigate these bump waters, the therapists here at Evolve in Nature are here to help. For a consultation, contact us at info@evolveinnature.com