By Heather Caldwell, LPCC
This is the third blog post in our relationship series. In this post, I cover codependency. It’s a term that gets thrown around quite a bit and walking through a bookstore you’ll find shelves of books on this topic. But what does it really mean to be codependent, how does it show up in relationships, and what can we do about it?
Codependency: What Is It and What Does It Look Like?
In the broadest terms, codependency is when one person self-sacrifices in order to meet the needs of another. Codependent relationships are unbalanced and unhealthy. Unconsciously, the codependent person is trying to save the other person from themselves, trying to “cure” a partner or parent of their addiction or abusive behaviors, or the codependent person is trying to get the other person to behave/respond in a certain way so that the codependent person can feel ok.
Codependent behavior is more than a one-off situation and over time the behavior bleeds into other relationships. In fact, many codependent folks build their identity around being a “helper” to the point that they deny their own needs and desires.
Generally, the self-sacrificing behavior doesn’t match the situation.
For example, it is understandable that if your best friend calls you up in tears that her partner just got into a terrible accident and is in ICU, you might drop what you’re doing, pick her up, and accompany her to the hospital. This would be a unique circumstance where it makes sense to adjust your needs in order to help another person. The behavior matches the situation.
Codependent behavior, however, might look like saying yes without question, and then rearranging your very busy day - and your one day off - to accommodate a friend who scheduled a massage during child pickup. Even if it meant canceling some of your appointments to help her out. The behavior here, however, doesn’t match the demand of the situation.
This is a pretty extreme and easy to see example. But our real-life experiences are much more complex. So let’s look at the example below.
Codependency and the Drama Triangle
The complex nature of codependent relationships is easier to see if we place them in the drama triangle. (If you are not familiar with the drama triangle, click on this post for an explanation.) When someone is codependent, they often start off playing the hero and are seen by others as the hero. To their family, they may externally come across as the villain. Internally, however, they often feel like the victim. The example below helps demonstrate this.
The hero. Typically, when we look at folks who might be codependent, they appear to outsiders as the “good” or “devoted” partner, parent, child, or sibling. They do the cleaning and the shopping, they carry the emotional weight in the family, they say yes when they really mean no. They are there for everyone, even when their own lives might be falling apart. They may often play the martyr, the one who gives themself up in order to help, serve, and/or support others. They seem to be able to handle a lot at once, and their lives are often stretched to the max. They might be a perfectionist or the overachiever who does it all. They are often in an unhealthy relationship with an addict, recovering addict, or someone with mental and/or physical health challenges and/or histories of family dysfunction. They try to “cure” or “heal” the parent or partner who struggles with addiction or abuse, or constantly try to please the other. They often come from families of addicts, recovering addicts, had parents with dominant or narcissistic tendencies, or grew up in families of dysfunction. They do what they can in order to keep others from being angry or sad.
This role is exhausting.
The villain. The pressure of being the hero wears over time. The codependent person starts to resent the self-sacrificing work they do - which often goes unappreciated and unnoticed. They start to resent the person they are in a codependent relationship with. Exhausted from trying to keep it all together all the time, they become angry. Their burst of anger comes in a variety of forms. They do not feel like the villain, however, their family may view them that way due to outbursts of anger once the hero role gets stretched too thin. They may be seen as controlling, needing to be right, or criticizing.
… but the person with codependency internalizes the victim role.
The victim. As the villain, the victim can show up in a variety of ways and it’s typically an internal dialogue. It shows up as: No one gets me. No one sees what I do around here. No one appreciates me. It also shows up in questions like: Why do I always end up in relationships like this? Why me? There’s nothing I can do.
This is a cycle that gets washed, rinsed, and repeated, swinging from the “good” partner/parent/adult child, to “villain” as the last nerve gets frayed, then to “victim” chastising oneself as “bad” for the villain’s outburst. The cycle starts again going back to hero as the person with codependency often believes if they don’t Do. All. The. Things. then everything will fall apart. Additionally, it helps combat their internal dialogue about being “bad” after a villain outburst.
While these relational patterns are deeply rooted, they can change.
In my previous blog post on relational patterns and our brains, I explain not only why we find ourselves in similar relationships but also offer the beacon of hope - that our neural pathways can be rewired! We can work on the emotional parts of ourselves and begin to heal them in order to live fuller lives, love deeper, and rebuild trust in ourselves and in others. We can regain a sense of self, establish wants and desires, and create healthy boundaries. To do this, we must engage directly with ourselves, often via the therapeutic relationship, to heal the patterns of our past that are wired in our brains and bodies so that we can create a new, healthy attachment pattern in relationship(s).
Please know you are not alone. The therapists at Evolve in Nature are here to support you on your journey. If you would like a free 15-minute consultation, please reach out to us at: info@evolveinnature.com