By Lyz Hart, LPCC
Setting boundaries is often not something we are taught directly but rather learn from others as a byproduct of our formative relationships and environment. By definition, boundaries refer to the outer limits of marked bounds of an object or place. Personal boundaries are multifaceted and can describe physical, emotional, and social perimeters. Navigating setting boundaries can often feel murky and unclear leaving us hoping for a clear “no trespassing” sign on a barbed wire fence but setting boundaries is an essential practice that can lead to an increased sense of agency, safety, and overall well-being. Reflection, awareness, and communication are all key skills in setting new boundaries and respecting those of others. Below I will discuss these skills and how to integrate them into the practice of re-assessing and re-establishing our personal boundaries.
Types of Boundaries
As you are considering assessing and re-determining your personal boundaries it is important to reflect on your current boundaries and how they are functioning. Often times because of family and relational dynamics or trauma our boundaries can be too strict or too loose and can leave us feeling isolated or overwhelmed. Healthy boundaries, on the other hand, allow us to feel empowered and connected.
Rigid Boundaries:
Avoids intimacy and close relationships
Unlikely to ask for help
Extremely protective of personal information
May seem detached even in close relationships
Keeps others at a distance to avoid the possibility of rejection
Requires others to change behavior in order to maintain the boundary
Porous Boundaries:
Overshares personal information
Difficulty saying “no” to others
Over involved with the problems of others
Dependent on opinions and validation from others
Accepting disrespectful or even abusive behavior
Fears rejection if they do not comply with requests or needs of others
Requires others to change behavior in order to maintain the boundary
Healthy Boundaries:
Knows personal wants and needs and can communicate them
Shares personal information in an appropriate way (does not over or under share)
Doesn’t feel the need to compromise their own values for others
Accepting when others say “no” and feels comfortable saying “no” to others
Able to listen and respect the boundaries of others
Do not require others to change their behavior in order to maintain the boundary
It is very possible for people to have a mix of these boundary types depending on the setting. Someone might have porous boundaries in a work setting, a rigid boundary with their family, and healthy boundaries with their friends or have a mix of all three. The appropriateness of boundaries is also heavily dependent on the setting and environment for example what you might share with a co-worker might be wildly different than what you share with your closest friend. Because boundaries can be dependent on the environment, relationships and even culture are why communication, nuance, and flexibility are so essential to healthy boundaries.
Benefits of Boundaries
Healthy boundaries have many benefits including increased satisfaction in relationships and self-esteem. Being able to communicate your want and needs to others is a radical act of self-care and when we are taking better care of ourselves, we can feel more confident in relationships and with our goals and aspirations. Boundaries also allow us to cultivate a sense of balance and conserve emotional energy. Many times, if a person has porous boundaries, they might spend an incredible amount of emotional energy worrying and taking care of other people's needs before their own but if a healthy boundary is in place they can focus more of their emotional energy toward their own growth and potential. Setting healthy boundaries is also a practice in vulnerability. Being able to communicate and express complex emotions and needs with someone allows for a greater space for connection and understanding.
Finding the Limit
So now the question is how do we set a new, healthy, and flexible boundary? How do I know where my boundary is in a situation? Thankfully for us, our bodies are always communicating with us about how we are feeling. By beginning to track sensations and feelings in the body we can tune in to wants and establish the limits of our boundaries. Many times, we won’t know a boundary exists until it has been crossed so a great way to begin to track what boundary feels like is finding your full-body no and full-body yes.
A simple way to notice this is to think about something easy or neutral like a food, music, or experience that you can readily imagine. For example, think of something you know you don’t like- let’s say the smell of wet cat food, hold that in your mind and notice what happens in your body -facial expression, gagging, head shaking no, putting your arms out to move it away from you, etc. This is a full-body NO. Once you can tap into what no feels like in your body, notice when it might come up for you in other situations, a stranger trying to give you a hug, taking on another project at work, talking to your parent on the phone. Noticing your full-body no is your body communicating to you that a boundary has been crossed or might need to be established.
Now do the same thing but for something that is easy to like. Imagine listening to your favorite song, playing with your pet, eating ice cream, etc., and begin to notice what you feel in your body -a huge grin comes on your face, feeling warm and fuzzy all over, expansive feeling in chest. This is a full-body YES. Keep these sensations in mind when setting a new boundary because it helps inform us about what we really want- more work/life balance, more time for self-care, more communication in relationships, etc. Noticing these non-verbal, body language cues in others can also inform us of when we might be encroaching on someone else’s personal boundaries as well.
The Power of “NO”
Saying “no” can feel uncomfortable and daunting, especially for those with people-pleasing tendencies and porous boundaries. Often, we might feel that in order to say “no” we might have to have a reason or good enough justification for our “no”. However, “no” is a complete statement and doesn’t require a “good enough reason” it can just simply be.
Practice setting a body boundary by putting your hands out in front of you to signal a “no” or “stop” as if you were pushing someone away. Notice what you feel in your body? Notice where you feel strength and power when holding a boundary and saying “no”. Reflect on how you might be able to maintain this feeling when having a conversation about your boundaries.
Ultimately, boundaries are here to help us fortify our connection with ourselves and others by being honest about our needs. Boundaries help us stay in open communication and help us re-connect and continually recommit to our goals. If you want to learn how to set better boundaries and want support around these issues, please reach out to any of the trained therapists at Evolve in Nature.