By Megan Best, LPC, NCC
Many of us are all too familiar with the old refrain of negative self-talk that can arise when we make a mistake, disappoint ourselves or others, or fail to perform in the way that we had hoped or expected. “I’m so stupid,” “I’m a terrible friend/partner/parent,” or “I’ll never get it right” are just a few examples of self-criticism. Self-criticism has a damaging impact on our well-being. It initiates a reactive state in our nervous systems, impeding healing and self-regulation. Negative self-talk can worsen depression and anxiety. It also creates a freeze response in our nervous systems so that we are unable to move forward in a productive way.
What Is Self-Compassion?
In contrast, self-compassion helps us to move toward self-regulation and healing. Self-compassion has been documented in hundreds of studies as a practice that can build resilience and combat depression, anxiety, stress, and shame. Self-compassion differentiates from self-esteem in that it is not a type of self-judgment, as in, “I just got a promotion at work–I am so amazing!” It is a way of treating ourselves with loving kindness and acceptance in light of the organic ups and downs of everyday life. Whereas self-esteem is dependent on how we perform in the world and whether or not we judge that performance to be acceptable, self-compassion enhances our ability to fully accept ourselves and treat ourselves with kindness and respect in all types of weather. Self-compassion elicits a positive neurochemical response and allows us to provide the type of self-soothing that generates well-being.
“Self-esteem is dependent on how we perform in the world and whether or not we judge that performance to be acceptable, self-compassion enhances our ability to fully accept ourselves and treat ourselves with kindness and respect. ”
How To Practice Self-Compassion
4 Practices to Change Your Neurochemistry
Below are some simple practices you can do to take a more compassionate stance toward yourself. Experiment with which practices feel supportive and nourishing for you.
Treat yourself as you would treat a friend.
We generally say things to ourselves that we would never say to our friends, children,
and partners. In the midst of a difficult situation or emotion, try offering yourself kind words, support, and acceptance rather than beating yourself up. If you botched an important meeting at work, try imagining what you would say to a friend in the same situation. Say something to yourself such as “Everyone gets nervous and messes up sometimes,” or “That was a really stressful situation,” and notice the response in your body.
2. Offer yourself a kind touch.
Placing a hand on your heart, two hands on your cheeks, two hands on your belly, or
crossing your arms on your chest and giving yourself a hug are examples of ways you can self-nurture when you are in the midst of a painful experience. You could also hold an object that is comforting, such as a pillow, blanket, soft stone, or anything else that you find soothing.
3. Acknowledge the feelings that you're experiencing and how others might feel similarly.
Naming the feelings that are coming up can be a first step toward calming and self-soothing. Going a step further and noting the common humanity of the experience you are having is a way to engage in self-compassion. For example, saying something such as, “I’m not alone,” “Suffering is a part of life,” or “Ouch, this is how it feels when something like this happens” can be a way to experience a sense of universal connection in the midst of hardship, or when things do not go as planned.
4. Mindfulness
Present-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, and body sensations can support us in using self-compassion as a daily practice. When we are mindful, we notice the patterns that arise in our system when we are experiencing thoughts and emotions that would normally elicit negative self-talk. In these moments we can begin to remind ourselves to practice self-compassion.
It Can Be Uncomfortable, But It’s Worth It!
Sometimes, people feel concerned that self-compassion could be a source of weakness, failure, or make them lazy. Fortunately, research has given us insight into the benefits of self-compassion. We know that self-compassionate people are better equipped to deal with major life transitions such as divorce and difficulties like chronic pain. We also know that people who practice self-compassion are more gentle with themselves and even more likely to take risks in the future after a failure. Research has also shown that self-compassion is an indicator of better health practices in general, like exercise, healthy eating, and less alcohol use overall.
Approaching this type of work alone can feel scary, especially if we have deeply rooted patterns of negative self-talk. Sometimes this practice brings awareness to an unconscious inner voice we are so accustomed to hearing that we didn’t even consider questioning it. You may have never even realized that you were being so unkind to yourself!
The therapists at Evolve in Nature can offer guidance if you would like to explore how to bring a more mindful, compassionate attention to your everyday life. Therapy can be extremely effective in helping us to learn how to change patterns in the mind that create suffering. We look forward to supporting you.
Source: The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff, PhD and Christopher Germer, PhD