By Lyz Hart, MA, LPCC, NCC
Tuning In
The most basic definition of attunement, according to Merriam Webster is “1: to bring into harmony, 2: to make aware or responsive.” Most likely you associate this with the quality of music and being in tune or in harmony with other voices or instruments to create a certain sound that resonates with the listener. Our response to harmony and melody when listening to music is a full-body experience–maybe dancing, swaying, tapping your foot with the rhythm, or feeling light, happy, and connected. On the other hand, when you hear something that is discordant or out of tune you might wince, cover your ears, or feel contracted in your body.
Attunement in relationships works similarly. Relational attunement is “a kinesthetic and emotional sensing of others, knowing their rhythm, affect and experience by metaphorically being in their skin” (Erksine 1998). Attunement goes beyond empathy, creating a reciprocal, unbroken, resonant connectedness. Attunement is the act of listening, deeper than a simple dialectic or exchange of words or ideas. Just like listening to music, it is deep hearing, holding, and feeling into another’s experience with our entire being.
Why Does Attunement Matter?
The importance of attunement begins at birth. A parent’s ability to attune to their child is essential for optimal brain development and specifically the self-regulation circuits of the child’s brain. According to Gabor Maté (2008), attunement is when parents can be so emotionally present that the infant or child feels understood, accepted, and mirrored. “Attunement is the real language of love, the conduit by which a preverbal child can realize they are loved.”
Attunement goes beyond empathy, creating a reciprocal, unbroken, resonant connectedness.
When you are accurately seen and understood by your caregivers, you are able to find a secure sense of self and an inherent understanding of your own worth. On the other hand, when there is misattunement, you can still experience love from your parents, but if they are stressed, distracted, or they are misattuned to themselves, you might end up internalizing the confusing, incongruent experience of knowing you are loved but not truly known.
The Neurobiology of Attunement
During infancy, our brains are learning rapidly, trying to figure out how to get our basic, primal needs met, including food, care, and a foundational sense of security (typically provided by the mother or primary caregiver). Regarding attunement, there are several important areas of the brain to consider:
The Limbic System/Subcortical Brain Area is responsible for memory, hormone regulation, basic emotional regulation and processing, and detecting safety or threat in the environment.
Orbitofrontal Cortex (OFC) is a part of the cortical brain behind your eyes that serves as the “apex” of the emotional brain as it connects to both the limbic system and the higher (prefrontal) cortex of the brain responsible for evaluating stimuli and making decisions. The OFC on the left side of the brain listens for explicit meaning and words in verbal communication. The OFC on the right side of the brain is specifically responsible for the non-verbal and emotional content of communication (i.e. body language, eye contact, tone of voice, etc.).
Mirror Neurons fire when you see others experience emotion which is responsible for basic empathy.
All of these structures work together to help us assess our safety and security in relationships.
Take for example a situation where someone might be saying the words “No it’s okay, I am fine, I am fine.” Our left OFC will take these words for their literal meaning but if the OFC notices slouched body posture, averted eye contact, shaky tone of voice, and tears welling up, it signals to us that this person might not actually be fine. When you can pick up on the most subtle non-verbal communication you can better attune to this person’s experience.
Making eye contact and noticing nonverbal cues helps you attune to others’ experience.
Dan Siegel (1999), describes the importance of “right-to-right hemisphere” connection in proper attunement. When your right OFC is activated, for instance when making eye contact, you can assess emotional safety and co-regulate your nervous system and sense of safety with the other person. If the situation becomes or is perceived as confrontational your Limbic system–specifically the amygdala–becomes activated, and you enter a reactive state, making it more difficult to connect and self-regulate.
As mentioned above, mirror neurons are important in helping us mimic and model behavior. If a child does not have a proper model for attunement and emotional reflection, these neurons do not activate, and the child does not learn to trust that other people can attune to them or learn how to attune to themselves and others as they grow.
Repercussions of Misattunement
According to Gabor Maté (2008), “poorly attuned relationships provide an inadequate template for the development of a child’s neurological and psychological self-regulation systems.” When children don’t learn how to connect and self-regulate from properly attuned experiences they might experience struggles with self-regulation throughout childhood into adulthood. This might look like looking for external sources for regulation or soothing like food, television, social media, video games, sex, shopping, relationships, or substance use.
In misattuned relationships, we can feel loved and invisible at the same time.
The confusing experience of being loved and feeling invisible at the same time has a long-term impact on a person’s fundamental belief about themselves in the world. This might look like low self-esteem, struggles with self-worth, beliefs like “I am not good enough,” “I am too much,” “I am not worthy of love,” or a sense of incompleteness–almost like a puzzle with a missing piece. When people struggle with negative or limiting beliefs about self and a deep sense of feeling unseen on a fundamental and unconscious level, this can show up in the form of symptoms such as depression, anxiety, nervous system dysregulation, dissociation, addiction, chronic inflammation, pain, fatigue, and attachment issues.
Therapy & Restorative Attunement Experiences
When the dissonance of these symptoms of misattunement become loud enough you can’t help but notice something doesn’t feel right, you are out of tune. So how then might you come back in harmony with yourself? While there are many roads that lead to home so to speak, therapy is a powerful jumping-off point to start this process.
Therapy provides a safe and contained space for you to explore all of your emotions and be witnessed, accepted, and supported–a vital reminder that you matter. Therapists are practiced in the art of attunement and deep listening to provide a restorative, transformative, and healing experience.
Therapists will also teach and model the skills necessary for a client to learn and practice attunement with themselves and others. This might look like
Somatic Practices: Tuning into your body, noticing sensations and how emotional energy wants to move through your body, and being able to listen to the wisdom it holds.
Mindfulness Practices: Staying present to your experience, thoughts, and emotions without becoming attached to a story or outcome.
Nature-Based Therapy: Connecting with and attuning to nature and the environment in order to connect deeper with something greater than ourselves.
If you are interested in getting back into tune with the beautiful melody of your own life and learning more about these skills and experiences please reach out to the therapists at Evolve in Nature for a free consultation.
References
Erksine, R.G. (1998). Attunement and involvement: therapeutic responses to relational needs. International Journal of Psychotherapy, Vol. 3 No. 3.
Maté, G. (2008). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. North Atlantic Books, The Ergos Institute.
Siegel, D.J. (1999). Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation. Bantam Books.