by Shelly Froehlich, MA, LPC, ACS
This is one of my favorite subjects as it tends to be common ground for all of us. Regardless of how chill or exciting the household we grew up in was, we all learned to navigate the intricate web of spoken and unspoken rules. Whether it was taking shoes off at the door, not interrupting a parent when they were speaking, interpreting that unmistakable parental “look”, or our carefully learned responses to avoid certain reactions, these things shaped our understanding of family dynamics.
All families have their quirks, but sometimes those quirks run deeper than awkward traditions or embarrassing stories. Many of us grew up in homes where emotional immaturity plays a role, shaping how we handle emotions, relationships, and even our sense of self. These effects aren’t always obvious as they tend to be subtle and ingrained in everyday interactions, all while leaving a lasting imprint.
Looking back at our family of origin can be challenging; we are inherently loyal. We may not want to admit that, even though our parents loved us and tried their best, they were emotionally immature in ways that affected our development. This emotional immaturity can be hard to identify, as it often skates behind “normal” behavior.
What Emotional Immaturity in Parents Looks Like
Emotional immaturity in parents isn’t always obvious. It often shows up in subtle ways that are easy to miss but can create significant emotional challenges for children over time. Here are some specific examples:
Emotional Unavailability
What it looks like: A parent is physically present but emotionally distant. They rarely engage in conversations about feelings and may avoid discussing emotions altogether.
Example: When a child comes home upset from school, the parent might respond with, “Could be worse”, “You’ll get over it”, or “Don’t make such a big deal out of it,” leaving the child to figure out their emotions alone.
Parentification
What it looks like: The child is placed in a caregiver or adult role for the parent’s emotional needs, rather than being nurtured.
Example: Instead of the parent providing comfort when the child is upset, the parent might vent about their own bad day, leaving the child responsible for soothing the parent instead of receiving comfort.
Inconsistency
What it looks like: The parent’s emotional reactions are unpredictable. One day, they may be loving and supportive; the next, they might react with anger or coldness to the same situation.
Example: A child might be praised for a good grade one day, but if the parent is in a bad mood, the same grade may be met with indifference or criticism, teaching the child to tread carefully around the parent’s moods.
Dismissiveness
What it looks like: The parent downplays or invalidates the child’s emotions, teaching them that their feelings are unimportant or excessive.
Example: When a child is excited about an accomplishment, the parent might say, “That B grade is almost an A,” or “Imagine if you shave 15 seconds off that mile pace.” Over time, the child learns to suppress positive or negative emotions, thinking they’re not worth expressing.
Boundary Issues
What it looks like: The parent fails to respect the child’s need for privacy, personal space, or emotional autonomy. Or doesn’t have boundaries for the child.
Example of violation: The parent may expect the child to share every detail of their life or may involve themselves excessively in the child’s decisions, ignoring the child’s need for independence.
Example of lack of: No follow through on homework assignments, no bedtime, or curfew when going out with friends.
How This Shows Up in Adulthood
Children who grow up with emotionally immature parents often carry these patterns into adulthood. Some common signs include:
People-Pleasing: Always putting others’ needs ahead of your own, avoiding conflict at all costs to keep the peace, often learned from emotionally volatile parents.
Fear of Conflict: Shying away from difficult conversations because conflict feels overwhelming or threatening, stemming from a childhood where disagreements led to unpredictable emotional reactions.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Struggling to assert your own needs or say “no,” because boundaries weren’t respected in childhood or because you were taught that self-sacrifice was the norm.
Emotional Suppression or Overreaction: Bottling up feelings because you learned emotions weren’t welcome or reacting intensely to small triggers because unresolved emotions bubble up unexpectedly.
Emotional Dependency: Struggling to make decisions or cope with emotions independently; constantly seeking reassurance or approval from others.
Perfectionism: Driven by a desire to avoid criticism or emotional rejection; pushing yourself to meet very high standards, fearing failure, and fearing the disapproval from others.
Chronic Self-Doubt: Low self-esteem or constant second-guessing, unsure about career, relationships, or even basic decisions, and constantly seeking feedback from others.
Avoidance of Vulnerability: Struggle with emotional intimacy, avoiding deep connections for fear of being hurt or rejected, keeping relationships superficial or pushing people away when emotional closeness develops.
Hyper-Independence: Very independent, believing you can only rely on yourself. Refusing to ask for help or emotionally distancing yourself from others, priding yourself on your self-reliance even to the point of isolation.
The Neuroscience of Emotional Development
What’s the big deal about growing up in a household with emotionally immature parents? It all comes down to how the brain develops in response to early experiences. Our brains, particularly the amygdala (which handles stress responses) and the prefrontal cortex (which manages emotional regulation and decision-making), are heavily shaped by the environment we grow up in. When that environment is emotionally unstable, the brain adapts to survive. It’s brilliant in that way; however, it’s not always in healthy ways. This can leave us prone to heightened stress, anxiety, or emotional suppression later in life.
These aren’t just “personality quirks” we pick up as adults, they are neurological adaptations that were wired into our brains in response to childhood experiences. If you grew up with parents who couldn’t model healthy emotional regulation, your brain had to compensate, often leaving you stuck in patterns of emotional reactivity or avoidance.
But here’s the good news: just as the brain adapted to survive emotional chaos, it can also be retrained toward healthier emotional patterns. This is where understanding the neuroscience of emotional development becomes crucial. It helps explain why certain emotional habits became wired in during childhood and how they continue to shape us as adults. Understanding this science isn’t about blaming the past, it’s about empowering ourselves to heal and change.
Two key brain areas play a central role in emotional regulation: the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala.
The prefrontal cortex helps us manage emotional responses, regulate impulses, and make sound decisions. In emotionally stable environments, this part of the brain develops strong regulatory skills, helping children learn how to handle stress and emotions effectively.
The amygdala, on the other hand, is the brain’s emotional alarm system. It activates the fight, flight, or freeze response when we’re faced with stress. In chaotic or emotionally inconsistent households, the amygdala tends to become overactive, making people more prone to overreacting or feeling anxious even in situations that don’t warrant such extreme responses.
Emotionally immature parents often fail to model the kind of healthy emotional regulation needed for proper brain development. As a result, children’s brains adapt by either shutting down emotionally or becoming overly reactive, patterns that can continue well into adulthood. However, thanks to the brain’s neuroplasticity and its ability to form new connections, it’s never too late to retrain these responses. With practice and awareness, the brain can learn to regulate emotions more effectively, helping to break the cycle of emotional instability.
How to Heal: Daily and Weekly Practices
Healing takes time, but small, consistent actions can make a big difference. By incorporating daily and weekly practices into your routine, you can start retraining your brain and developing healthier emotional responses.
Daily Practices
Name Your Emotions: Each day, take a moment to identify what you’re feeling. Naming emotions (sad, mad, scared, glad, excited) helps you stay connected to them rather than pushing them aside or allowing them to overwhelm you.
Pause Before Reacting: If you feel emotionally triggered, pause for a few seconds before reacting. Take a deep breath and look around. This helps calm the amygdala and engage your prefrontal cortex. This simple practice can prevent emotional overreactions.
Self-Validation: Practice self-validation by reminding yourself that your emotions are important, even if they were dismissed in the past. Tell yourself, “It’s okay to feel this way,” or “My feelings are valid,” to break the cycle of emotional suppression.
Set Small Boundaries: Each day, find an opportunity to set a boundary. This could be saying “no” to an extra task or asking for some personal space. Setting boundaries, even in small ways, builds confidence and emotional resilience.
Weekly Practices
Journaling: Spend 15-20 minutes each week reflecting on your emotional experiences. How did you handle stress? Were there moments when you suppressed your feelings or reacted too strongly? Journaling helps you gain insight and track your progress.
Body Scan Meditation: Once a week, do a body scan meditation to check in with your body’s physical responses to stress or emotions. This practice helps you become more aware of how emotions manifest physically.
Assertiveness Practice: Find one opportunity each week to practice assertiveness. Whether it’s standing up for yourself in a conversation or expressing a preference, assertiveness helps you regain emotional agency.
Meaningful Connection: Make time each week to connect emotionally with someone who supports you. Having an open, honest conversation where you feel heard helps counterbalance the emotional instability of your past, even if this is just with your therapist.
Reflect on Childhood Patterns: Spend a few moments each week reflecting on how your emotional responses may be tied to childhood experiences. Awareness of these patterns is the first step toward breaking them.
If you’d like support in healing and developing healthier emotional patterns, reach out for a consultation with one of our therapists.
Additional Resources
“Meeting Your Emotions” blog post by Brian Danzinger
Here are some books that offer deeper insights into the effects of growing up with emotionally immature parents and provide guidance on healing:
"Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson
This book provides a comprehensive look at how emotionally immature parenting affects adult life and offers practical advice for healing."The Emotionally Absent Mother" by Jasmin Lee Cori
This resource explores the impact of emotional absence in parenting and provides strategies for recognizing and addressing these issues."Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker
This book delves into the long-term effects of childhood trauma and emotional neglect, offering strategies for recovery and self-compassion."Healing the Child Within" by Charles L. Whitfield
A classic resource that focuses on reconnecting with your inner child and understanding how childhood experiences shape adult behavior."The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk
This groundbreaking work examines how trauma affects the body and mind and offers pathways to healing.