Perimenopause is one of life’s most profound transitions, yet it often arrives unannounced, leaving many to make sense of the changes on their own. Between the hot flashes, mood swings, and shifts in identity, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. But here’s the truth: perimenopause isn’t just about physical symptoms; it’s an emotional journey that deserves attention, care, and support.
Grieving the Changes
One of the most common yet unspoken experiences during perimenopause is grief. As your body changes, it may feel like you’re saying goodbye to a version of yourself that you’ve known for years. There’s the physical grief of dealing with hot flashes, weight changes, fatigue, and the sense of losing control over your body. But then there’s also a quieter, more emotional kind of grief—the loss of youth, fertility (if that was part of your path), and a sense of familiarity with your own body. These losses can evoke feelings of sadness, anger, or confusion, making it important to acknowledge and honor these emotions rather than dismiss them.
How to Honor the Feelings of Grief
Honoring feelings of grief involves creating space for the emotions to exist without judgment. It starts with accepting that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions, from sadness and anger to relief or hope. Here are some practical ways to honor these feelings:
Allow Yourself to Feel the Emotions Fully: Permit yourself to feel sadness or frustration without immediately trying to 'fix' it. Tune in with your body and notice where you feel the sensations of emotion. Journaling can be a helpful tool to explore your feelings. Try writing about what you’re grieving and what you’re learning about yourself in the process. Allow yourself to express your emotions fully through writing, talking with a friend, or letting your tears fall freely. It's a powerful step toward healing.
Seek Rituals that Help Acknowledge the Transition: Create personal rituals that signify letting go and embracing change. This could be something as simple as lighting a candle and meditating on the emotions you feel or writing a letter to your younger self, thanking her/them for the journey thus far, and acknowledging the changes you're experiencing.
Talk About It: Many people feel isolated in their experiences of perimenopause because it’s not often discussed openly. Sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, partner, or therapist can help normalize your experience and validate your grief. You are not alone in this transition; sometimes, just knowing that others have felt similar emotions can be comforting.
Therapeutic Support: Working with a therapist can help you process these complex emotions, validate your experience, and offer strategies to navigate this grief in a healthy and empowering way. A therapist can guide you through deeper exploration, helping you understand what these feelings mean and how to grow through them.
The Impact on Relationships
Perimenopause doesn’t just affect you—it impacts the people around you, too. You may find that your partner or loved ones struggle to understand what you’re going through, especially as emotional highs and lows become more frequent. This can strain relationships and lead to feelings of isolation. When your moods fluctuate, or your libido decreases, it can be challenging for a partner to know how to respond. This can lead to misunderstandings. But navigating perimenopause together can strengthen the bond and deepen intimacy rather than letting it become a source of strain.
Here are some suggestions for ways partners can actively support each other during this transition:
Create a Judgment-Free Zone for Open Conversations: Make a conscious effort to create space for open dialogue without judgment. This could mean setting aside time each week to check in with each other about how things are going, with the goal of sharing feelings and experiences, not solving problems. The person experiencing perimenopause may feel more at ease knowing they have time to express frustrations or worries, while their partner can offer support simply by listening.
o Suggestion: Have a weekly or bi-weekly “coffee date” or quiet time where you check in with one another. It doesn’t have to be a long conversation—just a few minutes of sharing can make a difference. The key is to actively listen and validate each other’s experiences.
Explore Intimacy Beyond Sex: Perimenopause can bring about changes in libido, physical comfort, and body image, which may affect sexual intimacy. Exploring other forms of intimacy can help maintain connection even if sexual frequency or desire changes. This could involve non-sexual touch, spending quality time together, or engaging in shared hobbies.
o Suggestion: Try giving each other a massage, holding hands more often, or cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. You can also engage in non-physical activities that foster closeness, such as cooking a meal together, going for walks, or starting a new hobby as a couple. These small gestures can help maintain connection and build trust, making it easier to talk about any changes in sexual intimacy.
Develop Healthy Routines Together: Perimenopause is often accompanied by lifestyle adjustments related to diet, exercise, and sleep. Partners can be supportive by creating healthy routines together, which benefits both individuals and strengthens the relationship. This approach fosters a sense of teamwork and shared commitment to well-being.
o Suggestion: Go for a walk together in the morning, try a new fitness class, or prepare healthy meals as a couple. If sleep disturbances are an issue, consider creating a calming bedtime routine that you both participate in, such as reducing screen time before bed, practicing relaxation exercises, or setting up a more comfortable sleep environment.
Set Boundaries for When You Need Space: While supporting each other through perimenopause is important, it's also essential to recognize when either partner needs space. Creating healthy boundaries allows you to recharge individually without feeling guilty.
o Suggestion: Discuss what self-care looks like for each of you and establish when you might need alone time. For example, let your partner know that if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you might need 30 minutes of quiet time before talking. Or maybe you need a day out alone or with friends. This can help prevent feelings of burnout and ensure you’re both showing up as your best selves in the relationship.
Tuning into the Body using Somatic Practices
Perimenopause is as much about the body as it is about the mind. Practices like breathwork, body scans, and mindful movement (such as yoga) can help you become more attuned to your body’s needs, offering relief from both physical discomfort and emotional overwhelm. Learning to listen to your body’s signals can reduce anxiety and enable you to respond to perimenopause with more compassion.
Some practical somatic strategies may include:
Breathwork for Hot Flashes: Practicing deep, diaphragmatic breathing can help regulate your nervous system and reduce the intensity of hot flashes. Try inhaling for a count of four, holding for four, and exhaling for six to eight counts. This can promote a sense of calm during moments of physical discomfort.
Body Scans to Tune In: Regularly practicing body scans allows you to notice where you might be holding tension and to release it consciously. You can do this lying down or sitting, starting from the top of your head and moving down to your toes, noticing any areas of discomfort and gently breathing into those spaces.
Mindful Movement: Gentle exercises such as yoga, tai chi, or stretching help release physical tension and promote a sense of connection with your body. These movements encourage relaxation and help ground you, which is particularly important during moments of overwhelm.
Rediscover Identity & Purpose
For many, perimenopause isn’t just about physical changes—it’s also an opportunity for self-discovery. As your body changes and your roles evolve, this phase can be a time to reflect on what truly matters, rediscover passions, and explore new interests. Consider asking yourself: Who am I now? and What do I truly want at this stage of my life?
Ways to reconnect with your identity:
Reflect on Your Values: What matters most to you at this stage of your life? This might have changed from what mattered to you ten or twenty years ago. Journaling about your current values and aspirations can help realign your actions with your evolving identity.
Explore New Interests or Reignite Old Passions: Perimenopause can be a time to try new hobbies or revisit ones you’ve enjoyed in the past. This exploration helps infuse your life with purpose and joy, which can positively impact your overall well-being.
Therapeutic Exploration of Role Shifts: In therapy, you can explore the changes in life roles, such as parenting, career, or self-perception. This can help you understand and navigate the shifts in identity while finding new meaning and purpose.
If there’s one message to take away, it’s this: you don’t have to go through perimenopause alone.
Perimenopause can feel like an isolating journey, but it doesn’t have to be. Reaching out for support through individual or couples therapy, support groups, or conversations with loved ones is a sign of strength. Therapy provides a safe space to explore your feelings, develop coping strategies, and embrace this new chapter with resilience. We're here for you if you're ready to explore how therapy can support you through life’s transitions.
Additional Resources
"The Wisdom of Menopause" by Dr. Christiane Northrup
This comprehensive book covers the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of perimenopause and menopause. It offers practical advice on managing symptoms and embracing the transition as an opportunity for growth."The Menopause Manifesto" by Dr. Jen Gunter
Dr. Gunter provides a science-based, empowering approach to understanding perimenopause and menopause. The book covers the symptoms, treatments, and common myths associated with this life phase."Perimenopause Power" by Maisie Hill
This book offers practical guidance for navigating perimenopause with a focus on understanding hormone fluctuations, managing symptoms, and improving overall well-being.
"The Menopause Movement" Podcast
Hosted by Dr. Michelle Gordon, this podcast explores various aspects of menopause, including lifestyle changes, symptom management, and personal stories. It’s designed to empower listeners with information and tools to navigate this transition."The Hotflash Inc” Podcast
This podcast covers topics related to perimenopause and menopause with insights from experts in health, wellness, and lifestyle, as well as personal stories from women going through the transition.