Upper Limits and the Problems With Feeling Good

By Heather Caldwell

This topic will come as a series. Today’s post covers why it’s challenging to feel good - to be happy - in a world where bad things happen & there’s an opportunity to explore your relationship with feeling good.

Collective Connections

Carl Jung talked about the collective unconscious. It’s the idea that there is some part of all humans that is connected - globally and even generationally. Even though we like to think that our experiences are our own, and to an extent they definitely are, we also have shared experiences. Many of us feel deeply and are impacted by grief, love, joy, fear, and anger. Many of us question our purpose, worth, and/or path in this world. Many of us want to do well and to be loved.

In our shared experiences, we also have shared collective stories. For example, part of American culture is that if you work hard enough, you will be successful. This story is so ingrained in our cultural narrative that when things come easily, we might not feel we deserve them or we might feel that everything has to be work (i.e. it’s got to be hard!). This narrative can also impact our collective viewpoints so that when we see others suffering, we might blame them for not trying hard enough or not working hard enough. Both sides of this collective story is that it can limit our ability to own our joy, to celebrate our successes, to feel good, and to grow.

Upper Limits: Guilt of Feeling Too Good

Guilt around feeling too good is a big topic many folks experience - consciously and unconsciously. In The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks notes that the one of our biggest issues is the fear of feeling too good. Because feeling too good is “bad” we do lots of things to bring us down, make something hard, to ruin the mood, etc. Gay calls this the Upper Limit Problem.

Something Happens

We can feel good, but only so good and only for so long before … something happens.

Something happening is often an unconscious self-sabotage. For example, everything is going great - you woke up feeling amazing, you had a super productive morning, everything is running smoothly, you are excited for what the day has to offer, you ace a meeting at work and receive lots of praise for your work - and on the way home … something happens … Examples: traffic is terrible and you find yourself getting increasingly angry, or you come home and notice X wasn’t done or Y was said resulting in an argument with a loved one or housemate, or you start to worry about … the wellness of a loved one, the next client contract, the conversation with a sibling. Our happiness from the day vanishes and is now replaced by guilt, anger, and/or fear.

Another scenario may be: things are going well, you landed the contract with a new client, there’s a new healthy romantic relationship in your life, and you're able to pay your bills on time with a little left over to feel comfortable. You make plans to visit with a friend. While you’re happy and excited to share your good news, your friend shares they’re in a hard spot. They feel as if their life is falling apart. As they talk, you feel your joy start to dim. In fact, you pack up the joy, put it in a box, and join your friend in their despair doing what you can to help rescue them. After all, you can’t feel good when someone else is feeling bad. Rather than share the expanded happy feelings, you slide down to join them in their contracted unhappy feelings.

It might also come across as feeling good about something your child does or something you and your partner do, only to see something on the news and then feel guilty because of the privilege you/your child might have (skin tone, economic class, health, sexual orientation). Instead of holding both/and as a way to embrace the complex realities - to be both happy for this experience AND moved by this negative experience, we often face it as an either/or situation - I must abandon my happiness because this bad thing is happening in the world.

But why? Don’t We Want to Feel Good?

One reason we do this may be in part because the American collective story of striving for happiness is a privileged position. Maslow talks about the hierarchy of needs: safety, shelter, food, security, connection. As humans, getting our needs met is our top priority - it’s what we’re wired to do. Many of our ancestors spent lifetimes striving to simply make ends meet. Life was hard. Life was work.

For some of us, this striving for survival may only be one generation back with ancestors struggling to have their needs met due to famine, war-torn homelands, slavery, the Great Depression, persecutions, and more. For some of us, the striving for survival may be just a few years back. And for some of us, this striving for survival may still be very real right now.

When we live in a state of being under-resourced in any of Maslow’s areas of basic needs - that becomes our focus, our priority. There is fear around getting what we need to survive. And for those who intimately know what it feels like to not have or barely have, there’s fear around our basic needs being taken away. These fears are very real and deeply rooted in our primitive brain. So it makes sense that there can be fear about feeling good.

If we aren’t experiencing the pressures of being under-resourced, we might feel guilty for having enough when others don’t. How can I enjoy feeling like I have enough or celebrate my abundance when others don’t have enough food, medical care, housing, love, support …

Collectively, we don’t have to go far to see racial injustice, gender disparities, LGBTQAI+ discrimination, unhoused folx, food scarity, and more. Maybe the struggle for having basic needs met is in the communities we belong to. Maybe it’s seen in communities we live in. Maybe it’s seen in communities that we see on the news. Regardless, we are touched by it.

You might have stories from your childhood that reinforce ‘feeling bad’ messages.

You better finish this dinner because people living in (insert country) go to bed starving.

You better be grateful for Y, when I was a kid we couldn’t afford such luxuries.

Don’t (insert action) like that, people will think you’re better than them.

The phrasing may feel like an invitation for gratitude and appreciation, but the layers of guilt, resentment, or punishment set the tone.

What Does It Mean to Feel Good?

Guilt for feeling good has been a big topic in my office recently. When there’s so much negative happening in the world - both our individual worlds and our more global world - it seems we have an even harder time connecting to feeling good.

Feeling good may feel like discounting or erasing our history. There might be memories of childhood experiences related to times of being happy and full of life, where others made comments to bring us down. There might not be a blueprint for how to feel good or celebrate the success of enough or abundance. We might not know what to do with our happiness when there is also pain, sadness, or injustice.

Some ways we might know we’re bumping up against an upper limit might come in the following ways:

I can feel good, but not too good.
I can feel good, but best keep it to myself so folks don’t think I’m bragging, boastful, arrogant, better than them, (fill in the blank).
I can feel good, but if I say something about it, I’ll jinx it & surely something will happen to ruin it.
I can feel good but shouldn’t because x, y, z.
I can feel good, but I didn’t really “work at it” so I shouldn’t really celebrate it. I have to “earn” it.
I can feel good but I should also wait for the other shoe to drop because this can’t last.
I want to feel good, but I don’t deserve it.
I want to feel good, but how can I? So much bad is happening out there. Did you hear about (insert global issue)?
This positive thing happened, but it’s really no big deal. Tell me more about you/your situation. (Minimizing)

Creating a New Story: Expanding the Capacity for Feeling Good

What if we created a new story by not just learning how to feel good but by embracing feeling good?

Feeling good doesn’t mean there aren’t bad things happening. It doesn't mean we ignore injustice.

Feeling good doesn’t mean you’re better than anyone else. It isn’t prideful.

Feeling good doesn’t mean ignoring the complexities of life or the bouquet of emotions (including sadness, fear, and anger)

Feeling good means celebrating YOU. It means celebrating LIFE.
Feeling good means you can appreciate & celebrate what you have.
Feeling good means embracing the flow of life.
Feeling good means being able to stay in your own experience by not taking on what isn’t your experience.
- I can understand grief, as I too have experienced it, but your grief is not my grief. I can stay in my experience and support you from here.
Feeling good means I am in an expanded state. This means I can look at the injustice, hardships, difficulties, challenges of life from this expanded state (rather than from a contracted, reactive, fearful/guilt state).

So How do I Feel Good and Expand My Upper Limit Capacity?

Notice: Notice when you might experience an upper limit. When good things are happening or you’re feeling good, notice when your thoughts shift to worry or fear, when the mode starts to shift to agitation or anger, or when you start to withdraw from others. Notice the feelings in your body as this happens. Is your jaw tight? Did your breathing become shallow? Did you notice your body start to brace?
Explore: Explore the thoughts that come in. What’s the root of it? The Hendricks have a great guide to help explore guilt associated with our successes and feeling good. This guide is from the Hendricks Institute and can be a great place to start exploring:
1. Am I afraid that if I succeed, I will outdo someone?
2. Am I afraid that if I become successful, my success will be a burden for someone?
3. Am I afraid to let myself shine because it might take love from someone else who needs it more?
4. Am I afraid I will leave someone behind if I become successful?
5. Am I afraid that pursuing my dreams means others will take their love away from me?
6. Am I afraid that there’s something fundamentally wrong with me?
7. Am I afraid that it’s bad to have fun while being successful?
Reflect: Reflect on times and experiences in your life that reinforce the stories from above. What times in your life were you shining only to feel your light dimmed because of someone’s comments or actions? When did you feel abandoned after a success? As you reflect, explore what emotions arise for you. Is there anger or sadness underneath these memories?
Create: Create a new story. What is the new story you want to live into? What might that look like? What sort of support can you create for this new story? Who or what might be able to help support you in this new story?
Celebrate: Celebrate your ability to be fully you! Write down a few appreciations or points of gratitude, both for your previous experiences as well as for your current exploration.

Upper Limits and the Problem With Feeling Good