By Heather Caldwell, LPCC
This is part one of a series on relationships.
We are wired to connect with each other. We yearn not just for human connection but to feel love and a sense of belonging in this world. In fact, love and belonging are part of our most basic needs; they are one of the five levels of basic needs on Maslow’s hierarchy.
The Hierarchy of Needs
Like building a highrise, you need a good foundation before you can build the first story. And you need a solid framework for your basic needs (think of these as the structural components of the building’s first story) before you can fully and successfully develop your next level of needs, think of these as the next levels of the building.
Without a strong foundation or a strong structural framework, your building may not be structurally sound. It may not be able to bear the weight that’s put upon it or the weather that it’s forced to endure. We, humans, are similar in this way. How your basic needs are met in childhood can often set the stage for how you interact in the world as adults. If your basic needs weren’t met in a way that made you feel loved, connected, and secure - you might struggle to find and navigate relationships in the future.
This blog series explores relationship patterns, the impacts of adverse childhood experiences on adult relationships, and ways in which you can heal your wounds in order to step into your full self as one who is worthy of loving and being loved.
Love and the Hierarchy of Needs
At the foundation, your basic needs are things such as food, shelter, warmth, and health. You need to know that when you are hungry, you have food to fill your belly and that when the weather is inclement, you have shelter to protect you from the elements. These are the basic elements that you need in order to just survive the world you live in.
The next level of needs is the need for security and safety. You need to feel secure in knowing that you have access to your basic needs. You need to feel some level of order and control in your life. You need to know that you are safe from impending harm or dangers. You need stability in your home life and in your relationships. When you were young you needed to know that when your diapers were wet, they were changed; when you were hungry, you would be fed; when you were crying, you would be held and loved.
The third level of needs is the need for love and belonging. These are met through a variety of relationships, including interpersonal relationships at work or with neighbors, group and community members, close friendships, parent-child relationships, and intimate partner relationships.
“Relationships, especially your earliest ones, impact you at your very core.”
As you get older, the desire for healthy intimate relationships often grows. Generally, you start getting your needs for love and belonging met from our close family units - such as our caregivers and siblings. As you enter childhood, our circle expands to close friends and classmates. And as you enter adolescence, your circle expands again to needing/wanting intimate relationships with a partner or partners. The desire to find partnership(s) is one that stays with many of us throughout adulthood and stepping into an intimate relationship can be scary and exposes vulnerabilities.
As you go through life, you see relationships come and go. Some were healthy and simply a matter of time and space causing a relationship to fizzle out or friends to drift away. Others were toxic and filled with drama. Maybe others were even abusive and destructive. These relationships, especially your earliest ones, impact you at your very core. Over time, you might become relationship shy as you go from one dysfunctional relationship to another or find ourselves falling into the same harmful or destructive patterns in relationships.
Why do you do this? Especially if all you want is to love and be loved?
Looking For love in all the wrong places
In the previous two blog series, I discussed some impacts of adverse childhood experiences - in other words, the impact of growing up in a household that might not have offered the safety, security, and/or stability that you needed to know all was okay in the world. (Check out the aforementioned posts as ACES relate to adult depression here and as ACES relate to adult anxiety here)
As adults, you want the basic needs that were not met in your childhood to be met in your intimate relationships. So it’s somewhat ironic that many times you might find yourself with intimate partners who show up similarly to the caretaker(s) who didn’t meet your basic needs. Thus, you repeat patterns of behavior you saw growing up which can be through communication challenges, secrecy, fear of intimacy or infidelity, abusive behaviors, degrees of expressing or withholding emotion, taking on roles you may not want or expecting others to take on roles, and more.
That is because the messages of what it means to be loved, to love, or even to be worthy of love are so deeply rooted and unconscious that you aren’t aware that you are repeating patterns of your past.
In the coming blog posts, I will explore various topics on relationships and how to recognize and break patterns that no longer serve you. If you and/or you and your partner(s) would like support in exploring or navigating your relationship patterns, communication style, or intimacy, the therapists at Evolve in Nature are here to support you thrive in a relationship. We believe that even relationships or marriages of many, many years can be recreated - the way to joy in relationship is through, not out.