By Andrew Linares, LPCC
If you’re lost on a journey, the first step in getting back on course is to recognize that you’re not where you want to be, and the second is to figure out exactly where you are. (For an example of this illustration, see my previous post on this subject here.) The same principles apply to our relationships. When we find ourselves lost in conflict with others (or with ourselves), and trying but unable to navigate the discord, we must identify the role(s) we are embodying in the conflict, and take 100% responsibility for assuming those positions. The motivation behind all of us stepping into these roles is power. Human beings need to experience a sense of power or agency (ability to affect change in one’s life), but when we don’t know how to access power in a healthy way, we will grasp for it anywhere we can. Thus, the birth of the Drama Triangle and the Victim, Villain, and Hero roles. The Drama Triangle, first introduced by Stephen Karpman in 1968, is a useful map of these roles and the dynamics that can arise in human relationships. The following is a basic introduction to the Drama Triangle, an exploration of its 3 roles, and a brief explanation of the first steps in how to get out.
The Starting Gate
Before we get into defining the three roles of the Drama Triangle, it should be stated that we all have a preferred starting point, a role in which we feel most comfortable. This is due in large part with the strategies that we developed early in life in order to navigate the world around us. Yet, this is only the beginning of the Drama Triangle, and we do not stay in this position forever.
The Three Roles of the Drama Triangle
The Victim
No matter where on the triangle we start, at some point we all land in the Victim role. This position is defined by feelings of overwhelm and a perceived lack of agency. The Victim is waiting for someone to come save them. Some statements associated with the Victim are: “I don’t have a choice,” ” You don’t know my pain,” “Why does this always happen to me?” or “I have to sacrifice myself.” Paradoxically, by giving away their agency, the Victim creates within themselves a feeling of “specialness.” Ultimately, none of us really want to feel helpless, so we create ways of shifting roles and reasserting control over our lives and relationships.
The Hero
This role derives its comfort from being in service to others. “What’s wrong with that?!?” you may ask. Nothing, if it is engaged in with integrity and awareness. Support and care for others is an integral part of human relationships, yet the Hero avoids authentically relating and taking responsibility for themselves by focusing on the needs of others and expecting a reward in return. It’s a form of escaping their own uncomfortable feelings and their discomfort with other people’s feelings. Statements associated with this role are: “I’ll make it all better,” I’ll keep you from harm,” “Let’s all get along,” and “I’m kind and caring.” By placing themselves in a position of service, Heroes are able to bypass the tough “look in the mirror” of their own personal inner-work. Eventually, resentments will build-up, as this role is seeking external validation, which in and of itself is a hunger that can never be satiated.
The Villain
Asserting control by focusing on one particular and convenient answer is the primary indicator of the Villain role. This position dictates to themselves and those around them the “correct” way of solving a problem or navigating life. Even with the best of intentions, the rigidity of this relational approach amplifies other’s lack of agency. Some statements associated with the Villain are: “You’re doing it wrong,” “My needs are most important,” “My way or the highway,” and “I have the answer.”
The Scenario
In order to better illustrate the dynamics at play in the Drama Triangle, let’s turn to a hypothetical situation (one that I’ve seen many times in my office) between a couple. Person A’s Starting Gate is in the Victim role, and they often engage in substance abuse in order to cope. Person B unconsciously prefers to be the Hero, and often ends up in relationship with people who “need taking care of” in some form. When they first get together, everything feels magical, and they develop a strong bond and fall in love.
However, Person A eventually re-engages in their pattern of wallowing in feelings of helplessness, and their substance abuse becomes a problem. Person B finds it extremely uncomfortable to see their partner suffering (which may force them to have to look at their own uncomfortable feelings) and engages in various forms of trying to cheer Person A up (encourages them to avoid the bar, get more exercise, etc.). In this scenario, to Person A the substance abuse in the Villain, and to Partner B the substance use is the Hero. Person A feels misunderstood by their partner, and continues abusing substances and engaging in their learned coping strategies. Person B starts building resentment that their attempts to “fix” or save their partner aren’t working, and they get angry. Eventually, subtle helpful suggestions become outright demands. The couple fights more frequently, as Person A doesn’t want to be controlled, and Person B feels like a powerless and under-appreciated martyr (“AFTER ALL I’VE DONE FOR YOU…”).
It is in this moment that they have now switched roles. Person B (The Hero), who has a pattern of connecting with partners in need of saving has now assumed the helpless Victim role (“I have to sacrifice myself. Why does this always happen to me?”), and Person A is now the controlling Villain (“I know what’s best for me, and it’s my way or the highway.”). The couple is lost in the Drama Triangle.
As was mentioned in the beginning, the first step is to notice that fact, and then recognize where exactly you are in it. In next month’s post, I’ll explain how we can use sensations within our bodies to help us navigate our way out of the Drama Triangle, and ultimately into a situation in which both partners can get 100% of their needs met. Until then, please reach out to our therapists at Evolve In Nature if you would like support in navigating your inter and intra-personal relationships.