By Heather Caldwell, LPCC
This is part two of a series on relationships.
“For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke
Love Patterns
This blog is the second installation in our series on love and relationships. In the first post in this series, I discussed wanting to love and to be loved are part of our basic human needs. I also explored how adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) can negatively impact our adult relationships. As adults, we often consciously seek partners to love us the ways our parents couldn’t, and yet we often find ourselves back in similar relationships, repeating the same patterns of our childhood families.
The irony of this is not lost.
And in fact, it can be not only perplexing as to why this continues to happen but is downright upsetting.
I mean, no one goes out looking for a physically or emotionally abusive partner. Yet many times someone will go (unknowingly) from one abusive relationship to the next. It’s not like someone actively looks for a partner who has a substance use problem or addiction. And yet they may go from one relationship to the next with someone who is addicted or has a troubled relationship with substances. And the truth is, this happens in many different types of relationships, and we repeat the pattern over and over again.
How on earth does this happen? Well, to understand what’s happening, we first need to know a bit about our brain.
Our Brains Don’t Always Have the Best Intention for Us!
A Quick Breakdown of the Brain
The short version: Our brain developed in three stages. The first stage of development is our oldest brain or our reptilian brain. It’s the part of our brain that looks for threats and helps keep us safe. The second part is our limbic brain. It’s the emotion and connection center of our brain. The newest part of our brain, our neocortex, is what helps us verbally communicate, process abstract thoughts, and problem solve. Put another way, our oldest brain is all about our fight or flight response. Our middle brain is our emotional center. And our newest brain is there trying to make sense of it all and not always doing the best job.
You had me at Limbic Resonance…
But let’s get back to the limbic brain.
The parts of our brain that allow us to connect to our caregivers when we are young and for them to connect to us - through singing, cooing, feeding, knowing our different cries and what they mean, calming at the presence of the main caregiver, etc. - is all part of our limbic system.
Our limbic system is actually a very cool part of our evolutionary journey: it’s the unconscious (and often unspoken) way we communicate with each other.
Let me explain:
Have you ever had a weird feeling walking by someone, a feeling that lets you know you should keep walking? Or have you had the feeling of instant friendship with someone? Or maybe you met someone and you had a feeling that you shouldn’t trust them?
Some of this information is coming through our limbic system. It’s where we get a felt sense of something, or a way in which something may remind us of similar feelings in the past - that we connected to feelings of safety, attraction, connection, danger, etc. - and now we bring it to the present to help understand what’s happening in the now.
Feeling a little lost or maybe skeptical? Let’s try an experiment. Play along with me.
Ready?
As I type this, I notice my mouth is dry and my lips would love some chapstick. My jaw is a little tight and the right side of my neck is sore.
Okay. As you read that, did you check the moisture level in your mouth and lick your lips? Or maybe you checked in to see if your jaw was tight or how your neck was feeling?
This is called limbic resonance. And we connect unconsciously through our bodies like this all the time!
Attachment and Relationship Patterns
So how does all this relate to our relationship patterns? Well, if you’ve ever been in a bad relationship, you might try to rationally figure out what happened. You might go through all the things that happened and problem solve your way through it. You might also vow to never do that again, making a list of all the “red flags” and “warning signs.”
What you’re doing here is using your neocortex to try and Figure.It.All.Out. If you remember, this is the newest part of your brain that helps with problem-solving.
But that doesn’t really work. And the proof is that the next relationship often ends up in the same place, even if it didn’t start off the same way.
UGH!
“We are attracted to what we know
. This means we are unconsciously attracted to relationships that we grew up with.”
This is because the pattern is created in our limbic brain. This isn’t a problem to be solved as the limbic brain is attracted to what’s familiar. As Lewis, Amini, and Lannon (2000) note, we remember with our neurons (the wiring in our brain). Repeated exposure to these neural patterns strengthens them. Over time, these patterns become ingrained. Ultimately, we are attracted to what we know.
On the limbic level - it means we unconsciously are attracted to relationships that we grew up with. The limbic brain doesn't see this pattern as a problem.
It’s no wonder that our patterns of attraction repeat themselves!
Love Dosen’t Have to be Blind
While I’ve been writing about how all of this happens in our limbic brain and how it is often deeply unconscious, it doesn’t mean we are doomed to rinse and repeat for the rest of our lives.
As the Rilke quote above states, this is the work. And it’s some of the most important work we can do.
Our brains are amazing and our neural pathways can be rewired! We can work on the emotional parts of ourselves and begin to heal them in order to live fuller lives, love deeper, and rebuild trust in ourselves and in others. We can develop new neural pathways and new patterns of limbic resonance through limbic revision. To do this, we must engage directly with ourselves, often via the therapeutic relationship, to heal the patterns of our past that are wired in our brains and bodies so that we can create a new, healthy attachment pattern in relationship(s).
Please know you are not alone. The therapists at Evolve in Nature are here to support you on your journey. If you would like a free 15-minute consultation, please reach out to us at: info@evolveinnature.com
The next blog in this series will be on codependency and relationships. If you have thoughts on this topic or have a topic you’d like to know more about, drop a line below to let us know!
Citation
Lewis, Amini, & Lannon. (2000). A General Theory of Love. Vintage First Edition, NY.