By Andrew Linares, LPCC
There is a sickness alive in humanity, a cancer that has been metastasizing since the metallurgic developments of the Bronze Age, and it is spreading rapidly. The mass shooting events in Atlanta and Boulder are the most recent examples of how this illness is showing up in our world, and how it is primarily being hosted in men. While it is a global phenomenon, the following is specifically directed towards men in the western world.
Patriarchy is a politically loaded term that often gets misinterpreted, so I prefer referring to it as The Order of Unbalanced-Masculinity. The essence of this imbalance is that we are detached from our emotional selves, from our community, and from our spirit (however you define it). As technology continues its meteoric advancement, its application will be determined by the conscience of those who fund and develop it. Currently, this by and large means men, and guys, we are overwhelmingly stuck in emotional adolescence. If we are to avoid killing ourselves or creating some sort of dystopian nightmare (beyond what we’re already living), then men, we have a lot of work to do.
Unbalanced Masculinity
Vulnerability is seen as a weakness in our culture, and weakness invites predation. “Don’t cry” and “Stop being a p*ssy” are engrained in us from an early age. Even those of us with successful careers and families are often incapable of fully expressing ourselves. We are unable or unwilling to feel our feelings, so we often lash out, check out, or shut down. We’re taught that the only appropriate emotions are horny, happy, and angry. Confusingly, we’re not even shown how to express those in healthy ways!?! Sexual energy is a powerful force that can help us thrive in achieving our life’s purpose, yet we compulsively squander it. Platonic intimacy is sexualized and ridiculed, thus we are consequently lacking in non-sexual physical touch and intimacy. Toughness and grit are important factors in this pursuit of purpose, as is the ability to physically defend one’s self and one’s people. Yet we all too often demonstrate anger through violence, and we internalize that as true power, when in fact we seek power to overcome the discomfort of our own fear. We fear our emotions, so we hide behind the false bravado of unbalanced masculinity. When emotions are not felt and moved through the system, they fester. Men’s spirit has become gangrenous, and it is bearing the burden of this heavy load.
Balanced Masculinity
Strong back, soft heart. This is balanced masculinity. Men with strong backs can stand straight and defend themselves and also those who are physically weaker. Men with strong hearts can say, “I love you”, “I’m afraid,” and “I’m ashamed.” Physical and emotional stability. The combination of these abilities is not promoted in mainstream culture, in fact, it’s discouraged. Many different factions and industries gain a lot of power and make a lot of money based on our instability.
Before going any further, I want to acknowledge that I’m in no way seeking to minimize the suffering that men have inflicted upon the world, nor ignore the historical factors at play such as colonialization and misogyny. Rather, I’m trying to make sense of WHY this keeps happening, and not just in the United States. The communities of incels, white nationalists, Islamic fundamentalists, and nihilists seem to be spreading. I’m not claiming to have any definitive answers here; only questions; like what leads a person to walk into a grocery store and kill 10 fellow humans who pose no physical threat to them?
A Systems Approach
When an adolescent enters my office demonstrating unhealthy behaviors, I do not judge them to be “bad” or “flawed.” Rather, I perceive the client to be a part of a dysfunctional and unbalanced family system. The question in the back of my mind is, “What emotion or experience is this client holding for the rest of the family?” Healing the system requires an individual member to work on themselves, and the family to support the process.
As I reflected and mourned with friends and colleagues around the recent event in Boulder, I found myself applying the same query. “What are men holding for and with the rest of the system?”, and I’ll be honest with you, I don’t have a complete answer to that question. I do however believe that it has something to do with Unbalanced-Masculinity and the unexpressed emotions that we as men are carrying; for ourselves and for our culture. I also believe that it is imperative that we as a society all compassionately explore the question.
However, in the immediate aftermath, the overwhelming response that I saw across social media, was the Otherization of Men. People are angry and sad, and scared, and they want to direct those energies somewhere. Often, that has been manifesting online as people embodying the Hero role. They want to save Victimized society from Villainous men. The inclination is natural and is one that I too share. Yet, by collectively engaging in the Drama Triangle we further isolate men, which compounds the aforementioned emotional issues, and we lock ourselves into a zero-sum game of self-destruction. Like it or not, we are in fact all in this together, and there are no quick solutions.
Men are suffering. We are all suffering. Alleviating this will require men to be doing the humbling and empowering work of self-reflection and owning our feelings and actions. And, we’ll need support. This is going to require a hard look in the mirror, and I promise, at times it will be terrifying. Transformation is never easy.
If you or someone you know would like support working through these specific issues, please reach out to us at Evolve In Nature. Our therapists are part of the community that is supporting men in their healing work.