By Lenni Ferren, NLC
Losing a pet can feel traumatic, and it can be especially hard to cope with when the death of your pet is unexpected. When your pet’s passing is sudden or has occurred in traumatic circumstances, it can be hard to cope. When this happens it is very common to get stuck in various stages of grief.
Because everyone is different, grief will be experienced differently by each individual. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You may experience the following as you are grieving the loss of your pet and beloved family member:
Depression: Depression is a natural part of grief but it can also leave you feeling powerless to cope with your feelings.
Guilt/Bargaining: If you feel responsible for your pet's death you may be experiencing feelings of guilt, you may be finding yourself asking questions that start with “if only I …..”
Denial: When you deny reality it can make the suffering worse. Staying in denial that your pet is gone makes it impossible to accept they are gone. It can feel hard and overwhelming to face the pain that your pet is no longer there to greet you, snuggle with you, and be a part of your life, and it is a necessary part of the grieving process.
Anger: You may feel angry at the event or person that took the life of your pet, and you may feel consumed by feelings of anger. Or you may displace your anger about the loss on other situations that are not related to your pet at all.
To learn how to process these stages of grief in your body please read my blog post called A Body-Centered Approach to Grief.
Disenfranchised Grief and Pet Loss
Disenfranchised grief, or hidden grief, occurs when a loss is not publicly acknowledged or validated through traditional societal norms and rituals. Disenfranchised grief often leaves you feeling isolated, and stigmatized or judged. Because of the isolation and stigmatization, you may start to deal with the stressful emotions on your own and diminish the degree of pain that you are feeling. Just like repressing any other negative emotion, disenfranchised grief can eventually lead to chronic sadness, stress, and difficulty opening up and connecting with others. You may feel you are overreacting which can trigger shame, self-blame, prolonged grief, and isolation.
Your pet is your beloved friend and family member and their death can be just as stressful and damaging as the loss of a human friend or family member. Unfortunately in our society, not everyone sees it this way, and you may experience judgment or dismissive comments about your feelings and your loss. Society’s lack of recognition around pet loss as a legitimate loss can lead to disenfranchised grief. You may feel misunderstood and even judged for taking so long to mourn the loss of a pet, hiding and withholding your feelings of sorrow and negative emotions. This can be especially true for bereaved pet parents of certain pets like birds, reptiles, and rodents who find their grief dismissed by others who have judgments about the level of emotional connection they are capable of, further complicating their grieving process. The lack of support in the workplace when it comes to pet bereavement can also contribute to feelings of disenfranchised grief and prolong the grieving and healing process.
Despite the pitfalls for some members of our society to recognize pet bereavement as a traumatic loss, many still understand and have been through this kind of loss. It is important to honor your beloved pet and family member, and any feelings of grief you may be experiencing. The following are some suggestions that you may find helpful for this process.
Finding Support
Beginning to heal starts with having a social support system. You must have someone to talk to who will listen and understand what you are going through. Reaching out on social media and receiving condolences from your community or pet groups can help you feel less alone in your grief. Consider finding a therapist trained in grief to support you through your journey and help you make sense of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. You do not have to go through it alone and finding people who understand can make a big difference.
Honoring the Departed Through Ritual
Getting a house plant and wrapping the collar around the pot
Spreading your pet's ashes, or marking a spot with a grave marker that is significant to you and your pet
Making paw imprint art
Writing a goodbye letter
Creating a photo album
Passing around a collar or favorite toy and sharing stories and memories of your pet
Planting a tree
Donating to a local shelter or cause
Accepting and Taking Time for Grieving
Our pets are an important part of our lives, they offer us unconditional love, and they are there for us through all life's ups and downs. When dealing with loss, you may notice yourself at times trying to stay busy as a way to avoid feelings of grief, and at other times you may need to let it all out. Accepting and giving yourself permission to feel what you feel at any time is an important part of the process. Your grief is real and valid and worthy of the time and care it needs for feeling and expressing.
Grief and loss can feel overwhelming at times and there are ways to support yourself through your grief including creating a ritual, connecting with others who understand, and talking with a therapist. Therapists at Evolve in Nature understand what it is like to lose a beloved pet and are trained in supporting clients as they navigate the grieving process and are here to support you. Please reach out to us here if you would like to schedule an appointment.