By Lyz Hart, LPCC
As we shift from the holiday season into the new year, many of us take the time to reflect on our past year and set new goals for the year ahead. The cold, grey, winter season leaves us yearning for the buds of springtime. We feel the urge to organize our energy towards planting something new and fresh in our lives and with this energy, we often set lofty goals for ourselves. We decide that this year I am going to eat healthier, work harder, exercise more, watch TV less, start new hobbies, release old habits, and so on. We make these decisions and set these goals with good intentions, but we actually end up setting ourselves up for disappointment. We set the bar high for ourselves and end up feeling defeated and discouraged when we aren't getting the results we want, and we begin to lose momentum. So how do you get yourself out of these moments and moods where you feel stuck and disheartened? You give yourself the gift of grace.
What Is Grace?
Grace is a term that is used often in religious and spiritual communities with a variety of meanings and contexts including “pardon or mercy” or “divine assistance” to “moving with ease and elegance”. In this post, I will be using the term grace as a vessel to explore how we can be kinder and more compassionate to ourselves and others as we move through life. It is so easy for us to be our own worst critics and come down on ourselves when we aren’t living up to the expectations that we have set for ourselves. When the letdowns add up, our goals seem more daunting and far away. This is where grace comes in to help us take small but meaningful steps to get us to where we want to go.
Step One: Do Nothing
In our modern culture, we have been conditioned to think that we always must be doing. We must be in perpetual action to build and create the lives that we want from ourselves. Again, when we fail to keep moving at all times and fall behind on our goals, we begin to feel guilt and shame about all the stuff we feel like we should be doing. However, if we practice grace in these moments before moving to guilt and shame we create a space for acceptance and understanding.
I would love to share a powerful quote from spiritual teacher and philosopher Paul Tillich, in a lecture on grace he states:
“Sometimes at that moment [of shame/guilt] a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: "You are accepted. You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything; do not perform anything; do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted!" If that happens to us, we experience grace.”
This quote wonderfully sums up the power of grace, it is the practice of accepting things exactly as they are, as perfect or imperfect as they might be. Finding grace actually requires no action on our part, we do not have to work harder or be better, all we have to do is accept the fact that we are accepted. In this space between being and doing, we have the opportunity to re-orient ourselves to the present moment and move toward what we really want with compassion and love.
Small Intentions, Big Results
There is nothing wrong with setting goals for ourselves and having big dreams of what we want to accomplish in life. The issue is that we expect perfection from ourselves when growth is an inherently messy and uncomfortable process. Grace and acceptance work when we can break down our intentions and commitments into smaller, attainable, and enjoyable habits that will develop into big changes over time.
Some questions to ask to evaluate current goals/standards:
Who created this standard? Is this what I want or am I trying to fit someone else’s expectations?
Are my goals realistic?
Does this standard/goal allow me to experience growth and joy during the process?
Would I hold others to this same standard?
Does this goal feel attainable?
How will I measure success?
Once you’ve re-evaluated how you are approaching your goals and intentions, it is important to access what it is you actually want to commit to. The great thing about acceptance, grace, and commitment is that you continuously have the opportunity to recommit to your goals.
Some other examples of how to break down goals into small habits:
Trying to start a mindfulness practice? Maybe sitting in meditation for 10 minutes a day is too much – try starting with one minute per day or adding mindfulness to tasks you already do. Commit to being present while taking a shower or walking the dog.
Want to start journaling more? Commit to just writing one thought per day and see how your practice might expand from there.
Trying to eat healthier? Maybe doing a total revamp of your diet is too much - see if you can commit to starting with one meal or one dish per day.
The key here is to start small and allow yourself to find grace in your process. Everyone’s journey is uniquely their own and it is our responsibility to be honest with ourselves and others about what we really need. The beauty of grace is that it is this powerful force that is continuously trying to wake us up to our most authentic version of ourselves. Each moment we can find grace, we have the opportunity to move forward in our lives with ease and integrity.
If you or someone you know might need support or assistance with re-evaluating and establishing new goals and practicing grace, please reach out! The therapists at Evolve in Nature are here to help.