By Heather Caldwell, LPCC
When we start to think of self-care as a chore, as unattainable, or as one more thing to be scheduled, it’s not self-care.
In my previous blog on self-care, Self-care & You, I spoke of the general portrayal many of us have encountered around self-care, and I allude to some of the privileges (and discriminations) that go along with these discussions or media representations. I challenged the stereotypical image of self-care by defining it, highlighting the six domains of self-care as presented by the World Health Organization (WHO), and offering some alternative or new ways to practice self-care.
And all of that is well and good. And let’s be real, many of us know we need a little (okay, maybe a lot!) of TLC, but find it hard to carry out. Why?
I’m sure I’m not the only one who knows that getting some exercise, getting to bed earlier, unplugging from technology, or even making it a priority to wake up a few moments earlier to enjoy the morning quiet while sipping my coffee before the day’s cacophony would do me a world of good. And I know I’m not the only one who has found themselves sitting on the couch with the running shoes still on the shoe rack, scrolling through online news stories, and then scrambling to get out the door on time so I’m not late for the next appointment.
Why is it so hard for us to give ourselves the care we need? The care that fills our cup, rather than drains it or numbs it?
How you view self-care, and whether you believe you are deserving of it or not, points to many internalized messages about your self-worth, agency, and cultural social narratives. It also contributes to the subconscious ways in which you might self-sabotage or self-neglect - leading to further burnout, anxiety, and/or depression.
Internalized Beliefs
For many of us, we’ve internalized the belief that self-care is not okay. Maybe you grew up with a caregiver who embodied the hero or martyr role and taught you through implicit and explicit messages that to be good you need to put others before yourself.
We don’t deserve self-care.
Maybe you learned it by living with a narcissistic, addicted, or hungry ghost parent, where their needs came first, and by default, you learned that your needs didn’t matter. Therefore, you either don’t get to have needs or having your own needs met means you might become them.
Self-care is selfish (and selfish is bad).
Sometimes the stories we’ve internalized come from our culture of productivity. In our need to always be busy, always be producing, always be doing - many of us forgot how to just be!
We are too busy for self-care. Self-care means we are lazy. Self-care is a waste of time. Self-care comes after this list of things gets done.
And sometimes negative narratives of self-care come from our familial histories, cultural portrayals, and workplace sexism. These narratives can be passed down through immigration stories of struggle, poverty, racial injustice, or generational trauma(s). Many women, especially women of color, are faced with an undue burden of care in the workplace where they are often expected to carry out unpaid work and emotional labor, leaving little room for anything else.
Self-care is for them, not us.
These narratives leave many of us feeling layers of shame for taking resources, time, or energy and spending it on ourselves. Therefore, self-care is usually the first thing to be bumped from the calendar, rescheduled, or outright canceled.
Self-Care as a Radical Act of Self-Love.
When Audre Lorde, political activist, and poet, was battling cancer in the late 1980s she wrote:
I had to examine, in my dreams as well as in my immune-function tests, the devastating effects of overextension. Overextending myself is not stretching myself. I had to accept how difficult it is to monitor the difference. Necessary for me as cutting down on sugar. Crucial. Physically. Psychically. Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.
For Audre Lorde, and many Americans, the important lesson of self-care as critical to one’s well-being and as a form of self-love, comes with a “wake-up call.” But it doesn’t have to be that way. You don’t need to wait until you are ill and/or hitting rock bottom before you start to realize that your cup needs to be filled, too.
Self-care is a radical act!
Self-care is a way to honor yourself. Radical self-care is a way to connect with your authentic self. It is a way to let yourself know that YOU MATTER! And you do. YOU MATTER!
In professors’ Donna Nicol and Jennifer Yee article, “Reclaiming Our Time: Women of Color Faculty and Radical Self-Care in the Academy,” they clarify the distinction between self-care and radical self-care:
Radical self-care was and is an imperative practice to resist pressures to comply, conform, and above all, to remain true to our authentic selves.
Radical self-care doesn’t need apologies, as you don’t need to apologize for being your authentic self. When you practice radical self-care, you declare yourself important. It’s a way to step more fully into your power. It’s about making deliberate choices on where and how you spend your energy. In doing so, you refill your proverbial cup so you can then do your life’s work - be it supporting your friends, pets, and/or family, your community, the environment, or causes you to believe in.
How to Practice Radical Self-Care
The beautiful thing about radical self-care is that it can be small.
Self-talk. Consider the way you speak to yourself. If you’re like the vast majority of Americans, that inner voice isn’t so kind. Radical self-care is about flipping that script. Grab a piece of paper and fold it in half lengthwise. On one side write your “negative list”. This is a list of all the negative things you say to yourself. It should include put-downs, insults, mean-speak, bullying, etc. On the other side of the paper, flip the script. Turn the negative into something affirming. Read Lyz’s blog on The Gift of Grace for more ideas.
Self-care. Create a list of narratives you hold onto that diminish you, that take away your agency, your self-worth, or that no longer serve you. What are your drifts that take you out of feeling? What shifts can you bring in to reconnect to self and others? What are your values and where do your actions line up or not? Where do you need to create boundaries? What is the new story you want to live into?
Self-image. What are the ways in which you can remain true to your authentic self? How do you learn what is an authentic YES and what is an authentic NO? What support do you need for accountability as you step more fully into living life as your authentic self?
If you or someone you know needs support, you are not alone. Please reach out. The therapists at Evolve in Nature are here to help support you along your healing journey.