By Lenni Ferren, LPCC
Loneliness
Loneliness is painful; it is a full-body experience. It can feel like your heart is ripping from your chest. It can feel like being an empty shell with only an echo as a reminder of its union with the sea. Loneliness can be a silent scream in a room full of people that no one can hear. Or, sometimes, it is all of those things at once. Loneliness is an experience often associated with feeling alone, unwanted, and empty. You can have people in your life and still feel lonely.
Social Isolation
It is thought that loneliness is painful because human beings need each other to survive as social animals. The pain of loneliness pushes us to seek out connections with other humans for the survival of our species because social isolation is rarely survivable. Social isolation happens due to life circumstances, difficulty with social skills, and mental health issues like anxiety and depression. However, coping with difficult circumstances or feelings by socially isolating begets more loneliness and more pain. For example, many people are reporting increased social isolation behavior due to the COVID 19 pandemic along with increased feelings of loneliness and pain in the form of anxiety and depression.
Types of Loneliness
There are different types of loneliness, and understanding what type(s) of loneliness you are feeling can be the first step to feeling better.
The most common types of loneliness are:
Intimate
Relational
Collective
Existential
Intimate loneliness is when you feel the lack of a deep close attachment, intimacy, and/or physical affection in your relationship(s). If you are struggling with intimacy and closeness in your relationship(s), make an effort to reach out to those you love, even if it feels scary, and tell them how you feel. If you are struggling in your relationship(s), an individual, couples, or family therapist can help you resolve what may be causing these issues and help you learn new ways to communicate and restore intimacy.
Relational loneliness is when you feel the lack of friend groups/social networks that you can depend on for connection and support. Human beings are social animals and social isolation has many negative effects. It has shown to be a greater risk to our health than obesity and is equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day (Campaign to End Loneliness, 2021). Meeting people can feel overwhelming especially if you have social anxiety. Luckily there are many ways to meet and network with those you love whether it is in person, on the phone, or by video.
Collective loneliness is when either you don’t have a community or are not valued by your community. As social distancing restrictions have eased up, more events are happening in your area. Check out your local meetup.com or Nextdoor.com to see what is happening in your community, or at your local community centers. If you are struggling to feel valued by your community, reach out to someone or a group who shares your values or interests, a leader in your community, or find a mental health counselor who can help you.
Existential loneliness is when you experience a loss of meaning and purpose. It’s when you are questioning the meaning of life. Finding a religious figure, friend, family member, or mental health professional to help process your thoughts and emotions can help you understand what you are feeling. Getting out in nature and allowing yourself to just be as you experience the natural world and your relationship to it is another way to work through existential loneliness.
People who are most at risk for experiencing chronic loneliness are people who:
Have a chronic illness or are living with a disability
Are disadvantaged, marginalized, or oppressed
Are living alone
Are widowed or separated/divorced
Are caregivers
Are military and veterans
Are victims of abuse and neglect
Are unemployed
Are elderly
If you know someone who is experiencing loneliness, is isolating, or is at higher risk of loneliness don’t wait for them to reach out, reach out to them and check in to see how they are or if they would like to connect.
Responses to Loneliness
What To Do If You Are Feeling Lonely:
Allow yourself to feel the feelings you have about your loneliness, whether that is mad, sad, or scared.
Join an online group or class that focuses on something you enjoy. It could be an exercise class, book club, art class, etc.
Get outside and connect with nature. Connecting with the outside world can boost your mental health and wellbeing. If you don’t want to go alone, there are many groups on meetup.com that focus on meeting up outdoors.
Call a friend, family member, or mental health professional to talk about your feelings and needs.
Check out your local senior center for classes and events if you are 65+. If you’re not, see if they need volunteers and help out with an underserved community!
Audit classes at a university or technical school. Many schools offer classes for senior citizens to audit for free or reduced-rate classes for community members.
Social and Community Resources
Meetup.com: Find local groups who share similar interests, try something new!
Nextdoor.com: Meet people in your community.
Meet My Dog: Meet other dog lovers via an app.
Bumble BFF: Match with other people looking for friends via an app.
ATLETICO: Match with fitness buddies via an app.
HORNET: Meet other LGBTQ folks on a social network.
Loneliness is a normal part of being human. However, when it starts to become chronic or you find yourself struggling to cope or manage daily life, you may want to reach out for professional help. Loneliness can exacerbate symptoms of depression and symptoms of depression can exacerbate feelings of loneliness. Sometimes meeting new people is not enough to get you out of this cycle. If you find yourself suffering from feelings of loneliness, isolation, anxiety, and/or depression and would like some support please reach out to Evolve in Nature now.
References:
Campaign To End Loneliness. (2021). Risk to health. https://www.campaigntoendloneliness.org/threat-to-health