By Mac Wilson, MA, LPCC
The Shoulds
In life, especially near the end of the year, we can all be plagued by thoughts of what we should have done better. Maybe we didn’t get the promotion at work, spend enough time with our friends, or run the big race we had planned. Our list of goals can often start to seem more like a list of failures if looked at in a certain light. That’s why practicing acceptance is so important, particularly when “the shoulds” start to take over.
Take Katie’s story for example:
Katie has wanted to be a mother since she was a kid. In fact, she fondly remembers pretending to raise and nurture her stuffed animals and dolls. She would assign them names and personalities––Billy the Bear was always the stubborn one––and take them with her everywhere she went. Katie took pride in being “The Best 8-year-old Mom She Knew.” After all, she was kind, compassionate, and always, always ready to love.
Twenty years later, Katie has traded her pin of honor for a spit-up-covered, week-old t-shirt. Her stuffed animals and dolls have been crammed in the chest that her less-than-fluffy children no longer open. Instead of thinking about how great of a mom she is, Katie is often now plagued by “should” statements. “I should be better,” she tells herself. When one of her kids comes home with a bad grade, she says, “I should be checking in on their school more.” When she’s late to their soccer game, she thinks, “I am so busy, but with what? I should have been here earlier.”
Katie’s “should” statements don’t only live at home or with the half-time orange slices. These thoughts fester and crawl after her, grabbing on and not letting go. They tell her that she’s a failure, that she’s not half the mother she thought she was going to be.
The problem with “Shoulds”
The issue with “should” statements comes in two parts:
They are value-focused and therefore gnaw at the core of who you are or believe yourself to be, and
They are unreasonable but treated as fact. Katie has always wanted to be more than a mom––a good mom. When she judges an experience as something a “good mom” wouldn’t do, then she assumes she’s not a good mom.
How to free yourself
A cognitive-based therapist would point out these statements as “cognitive distortions.” Katie could learn to notice these thoughts, consider the facts, and then decide whether or not she will take them to heart. While it may be helpful to learn more about distortions and how they work, it is also necessary to consider your body, not just your brain, in the equation.
This is where acceptance and grounding comes in. Let’s go back to the moment when one of Katie’s kids came home with a bad grade. Instead of blaming herself for not checking in enough, Katie could replace the thought with “I am sad my child did not get the grade they wanted, and I want them to succeed in school. But most of all, I accept where we are today.” The most important step here is not just pointing out the facts that she wants her child to succeed, but that she accepts the present.
In Buddhist teaching, acceptance refers to our ability to stay present. It tells us that when life shows us something our ego finds painful or uncomfortable, the mind’s tendency is to resist, avoid, or try to change it. Ironically, resisting a thought or feeling only makes it worse. We break from this cycle when we first “say yes”, lean in, and simply let go of our effort to resist reality. Katie used to take pride in being “The Best 8-year-old Mom She Knew.” Now, she takes pride in being “The Mom She is in This Moment.”
How to Practice Acceptance
when Caught in “Shoulds”
Pay attention to your internal cues. Notice when you focus on how something should or should not be. Be aware of how it feels emotionally and the sensations you feel in your body. Maybe you feel a clenching knot in your stomach, or a shaky vibration in your legs.
Learn the language of acceptance. It may help to have statements on hand to replace those “shoulds”, like “This is what I feel. This is what I notice. I accept where I am at this moment.”
Ask your body what it needs at the moment. Maybe it wants to go on a walk or just wiggle its arms and legs. Movement is a natural way for the body to move through difficult experiences, insecurities, and intense emotions. It could also be asking to just be noticed. Breathing in the nose and out of the mouth or using your five senses to notice things around you bring awareness to your being.
Be kind to yourself. Notice how many times a day you blame or shame yourself and consider what it would be like to praise or congratulate yourself instead. And if you cannot find kindness within yourself, seek it from someone or something else. The earth is whispering, “Here you are. I see you. I accept you.”
If you are struggling with a harsh inner critic and the weight of "shoulds," Evolve In Nature therapists can help you work through it.