Almost every child has a moment when they feel different from the others. They’re too short or too big, out of style or out of the norm, not invited or simply forgotten. Childhood and teenhood are changing, disorienting times. But many of these experiences do not compare to the emptiness and confusion of being transgender.
If you are reading this blog and identify with the pain, know that you are not alone.
The transgender experience can seem new and novel, especially the way that some people react to trans people or our fight for rights. However, gender non-conforming people were recorded in cultures and histories as early as 5000 B.C. Now, 1.8% of American youth identify as trans.
While the number of trans youth who are able to come out has recently skyrocketed, the care and support has not. My last blog post shared the statistics of youth who struggle with mental health issues and suicidality because of their identities. We relate and connect to people through our identities and self-expression. Our shapes and colors help others notice and appreciate us. But if we are not accepted fully and whole-heartedly, parts of us die and wither like a flower without light, water, or protection. My job as a queer-affirming therapist is to help clients, especially trans teenagers, identify their innate colors and shapes, find somewhere to lean as they grow, and learn how to blossom in front of others.
Identifying Your Innate Shapes and Colors
It can be overwhelming to try to figure out your identity. You may even start by comparing yourself to other identities, but feel disheartened when it doesn’t feel “right” to you. For instance, if you are AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth) you might think to yourself, “Well, I don’t think I’m a girl, but I also wouldn’t feel comfortable with a lower voice and facial hair. I guess that means I’m not trans.”
The confusing and beautiful thing about gender is that it often isn’t simple. With our growing knowledge and exploration of the concept, we know that our society works backward to fit people into boxes instead of letting them create their own. Just because you do not feel drawn to the shapes and colors of the typical “man” or “woman,” doesn’t mean you are any less gender-queer or valid. You may sit somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.
The above images show part of our growing understanding of the gender and identity spectrum. It’s important to remember that you deserve to find the words to describe yourself in the way you feel, not the way people want or expect you to feel. Consider starting with a list of what you know about yourself. Here’s an example:
I feel confident when my hair is short.
I feel uncomfortable when I am expected to play only with the girls at recess.
I feel happy around my friends who accept me however I am.
I feel frustrated when my clothes are too tight.
Finding Support As You Grow
It can be daunting to begin the process of gender exploration when adults (even those who don’t know you) decide how you are treated medically and in society. In 2023 alone, 600+ anti-LGBTQ bills were passed, with a majority targeting transgender and non-binary young people. This nation-wide assault on our rights is why it’s important, more than ever, to find community and support who fully love and accept you for all you are.
What you do next may be determined by how ready you are to share your gender identity and how you assume the adults around you will react. Here are some recommendations depending on those factors:
One or two accepting adults, especially parents:
Ask them to have a chat about how you’ve been feeling lately. Share your questions and concerns, as well as the parts of you that you know to be true. It may be scary, but their warmth and gentleness could be just what you need to take your next steps.
No accepting parents, but some accepting adults:
A teacher, close relative, or friend’s parent could provide support while you start this process. Consider talking to them about your feelings and determining if they are safe and confidential. They may be able to help bridge the gap between you and your parents, or give you a resting ground to truly be yourself. They can also help you become involved in queer communities like your school’s Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) or some of Colorado’s local resources.
No accepting parents, and no other accepting adults:
Many youth have turned to online communities like Q Chat Space or social media (here is a list of some trans influencers) to find a queer home. Talking to other gender-queer youth, in a moderated setting, can give you a safe space to grow and lean into your truth. However, it is important to be mindful of the information you share online. Ensure the people you follow or speak to are who they say they are, and think before sharing personal information with others.
Learning How to Blossom
After all this information, the biggest piece of advice I can give to young people exploring their gender is to take your time. I know this can be a difficult task when facing dysphoria and confusion, but time allows you space to be empathetic, patient, and confident in yourself. Taking your time does not mean, however, denying your experiences or not receiving the care you need. Gender-affirming care can often increase your ability to be patient and exploratory without feeling overly dysphoric.
Here are some places you can find information on gender-affirming care:
Whether you are just beginning to question your gender identity or have been on this road for years, therapy can be especially helpful. If you or your child are in need of queer and gender-affirming therapy, please reach out to us at Evolve in Nature and schedule a consultation with Mac. You deserve to be seen, heard, and validated as you grow and blossom into all your beauty.