By Heather Caldwell, LPC
I had two blog posts on self-care earlier in the year. I posit that for many folks, self-care is viewed as “for them, not us” and that this belief leaves many of us feeling layers of shame for taking resources, time, or energy, and spending it on ourselves. Boundaries aren’t kept, because it’s just easier if you cave in and do X yourself or let Y happen. And who needs downtime when the laundry needs to be done and there are bills to pay. Therefore, self-care is usually the first thing to be bumped from the calendar, rescheduled, or outright canceled.
If you find yourself silently nodding your head, you might have thought—or even said—that spending time or money on yourself, not wanting something to happen, or even doing something you want to do solely because you want to do it is selfish. In that final post on self-care, I stated that self-care is an act of radical self-love. When I talk about this with clients—about attending to one’s wants and needs, i.e. self-care—it’s the part of us that fears being viewed as “selfish” that really wants to take over.
So, I’m taking the statement “self-care is an act of radical self-love,” and I’m leveling it up:
Selfishness is an act of radical self-love.
In this context, I am speaking to those of us who identify as caregivers, who have a hard time saying no, who might be in co-dependent or enmeshed relationships and bearing a lot of the weight of the relationship. Those of us who struggle to set boundaries. Those of us who play the Hero really well. Because let’s be honest, for those of us who live in this space, being selfish is the worst of All.The.Things!
Somewhere along the way, we learned that selfishness is bad.
These stories are often created through childhood or toxic relationship experiences where taking up space, setting a boundary, or stating needs or wants meant being vulnerable, being in the line of vision for someone’s unchecked and maybe scary emotions, or even “inviting” unwanted verbal, emotional, or physical repercussions.
They can also be created by rejecting the selfish parts of ourselves for fear that if we embrace our wants or needs, then we would become just like our narcissistic parent or toxic partner - who is egotistical, self-centered, unkind, or abusive. This part tells us that anything is better than that - even self-abandonment.
But having our needs met, practicing self-care, and setting boundaries does not mean we are narcissistic or toxic. Taking care of yourself does not need to come at the expense of others. Instead, when we are filled, when our needs are met, we can more fully be present with ourselves and others. It is from this space that we can create authentic agreements and be in our integrity.
Selfish vs. Selfless
The opposite of selfish is selfless. So while we think being selfish is bad, being selfless can lead to self-abandonment. It literally means not actually having a self, not having wants, desires, or needs. It often means being the martyr. It can come from the belief that we don’t get to have our needs met, we aren’t important enough or deserving enough, and we haven’t earned it. It is not sustainable and it is exhausting.
The truth is - you are important. And self-care is selfish! It literally means taking care of yourself. And it’s okay to take care of yourself. It’s okay to set boundaries. It’s okay to be selfish! There is empowerment and healing in reclaiming your right to exist and to take up space.
Embrace Selfishness as an Act of Radical Self-Love!
It’s not your job to heal others or to please others at your own expense. It is not your job to make others happy at the expense of your own contentment. It is not your job to change yourself to others’ liking. Instead, work on healing yourself, go to therapy, do yoga, sit in meditation. It is important to listen to your own wants and needs and follow through by making them a priority and taking action. It is okay to set healthy boundaries and be true to your authentic self. It’s powerful to say no, to check in and verify that a yes is really a YES! It’s empowering to know when you’re not being valued and to leave.
The therapists at Evolve in Nature have written many blog posts to help you find your way back to YOU! If you find yourself needing suggestions on how to start reconnecting with yourself, try reading the following posts. Of course, we are also available to help guide you through your journey and help you to get back to living your most abundant life. If you or someone you know needs support, please reach out to info@evolveinnature.com.
Suggested reading
Knowing Your Limits: Setting Personal Boundaries