Mental Health Awareness Month May 2020

By Megan Newton, LPCC

Was there ever a better time in history to designate a month to mental health awareness than in the middle of a global pandemic? We think not. As a global people, we have not experienced something on this scale before, not in the way that COVID-19 is challenging both our individual and collective mental health. For some of us, the COVID-19 outbreak has threatened our purpose and our sense of wellbeing. COVID-19 has brought anxiety, depression, and grief to our doorsteps unrelenting. Never before have we been so ‘plugged in’, and while that has its incredible benefits, the cycle of news and social media confronts us with a harsh reality over and over again, inducing us into the fear of uncertainty. In the overwhelm of that experience, many people are asking, what is mental health? What is my mental health and how do I take care of it? In this moment, the first step is to recognize you are not alone in your experience of grief and fear. We invite you to recognize that truth in yourself. And we also invite you to recognize what is also viable in uncertainty: hope and possibility. The invitation is to acknowledge the truth of your experience, and that in uncertainty both grief and hope, fear and possibly, can exist at the same time.

Deep breaths.

If you are experiencing joy, hope, and possibility during this time there is not something wrong with you. If you are experiencing fear, grief, anger or loss during this time, there is nothing wrong with you.

Deep breaths.

Are you feeling more grounded? I hope so. Perhaps now we can circle back to where we began, which is an inquiry around mental health. Maybe you are asking the question, “What is my mental health?”. Perhaps you have wondered about this question before and the answer has been unclear or too uncomfortable to consider. It is true that in our society, mental health has a long history of negative connotations, secrecy, and denial. Why? Because mental health issues have often been categorized in a binary sort of way; either you are crazy or you are sane; either there is something wrong with you or there is not. Let us say it again, there is nothing wrong with you. Mental health is an inquiry into one’s own self. It is the process of integrating of our emotions, thoughts, sensations, and behaviors that result in an experience of wellbeing, both in ourselves and with others. Mental health is about telling the truth.

Many of us hide from ourselves. Even the most intelligent, high-functioning, capable people. It is not either you have mental health or you don’t. The question is about to what degree is your mental health functioning and how willing am I to be honest with myself about that answer. For many people, it’s too uncomfortable a question to ask. “I’m fine,” I hear people say. Yet, I can’t help but wonder what does that really mean? For some of us it is true that we are “all good”, and that is wonderful! Mental health isn’t about being bad. It isn’t about being wrong. It runs a continuum from ‘I’m barely surviving” to ‘I’m thriving’. For example, I know mostly happy people who are successful and high functioning, and who are also overwhelmed with anxiety. Notice that I did not use the word ‘but’. Using the word ‘but’ perpetuates this idea of mental health that there is something to hide or to ignore. We have a gazillion ways of justifying or explaining this to ourselves. Instead of denying, the field of mental health, and therapy at Evolve In Nature, instead invites you to come to know yourself in the totality of your experience. It is only when we are willing to tell ourselves the truth that we can thrive in all aspects of our being. After all, you have only this one precious life to live, in this one precious moment.

Mental health is about the process of deep knowing, of calling into balance the parts of ourselves, and it is no doubt a vulnerable process. It is so easy, for example, to shove to the side the fact that I yell at my kids when I’m frustrated. And then I feel bad, but who wouldn’t? And then I tell myself I will do better next time. And then the next time comes around, and I yell, and before you know it that is the pattern of relationship with my children. That becomes the pattern of relationship with myself - to snap or rage when I am upset, bypassing my experience completely. And just like that, the past is gone. I have hid from myself over and over and over again. Do you see the denial in this example? The denial is not that the yelling isn’t happening. After all, in this example, I wanted to do better, I acknowledged I didn’t do something well. The denial exists in the act of ignoring that there is anything here to take seriously enough to come to know, to understand, to put in the effort to change, to pick up the phone and call a therapist to say, “What I am doing isn’t working. I want to grow and I’m scared.” Exploring your mental health is an invitation to disrupt the pattern. Not because you are bad or wrong, but because the possibility of thriving in your relationships and in your body is real.

Mental health at Evolve In Nature is a journey to seeing yourself as you are. Like the cactus in bloom, capable of both thorns and flowers. The invitation is not to rid yourself of who you are, it is to come to know what’s true, to learn how to navigate through the thorny places, to bloom often, and savor the nectar.

In this month of May Mental Health Awareness, what questions do you want to ask us? Fire away and we’ll do our best to offer one perspective in the sea of many. What is it about yourself you want to know better? What are the questions you are willing to ask?

How to work with anxiety

By Shelly Froehlich, LPC

There is so much chatter out there right now about how to 'fix' your fear and anxiety. How to distract yourself from it as a solution. The thing is, a distraction only lasts for so long and all the while your fear is being ignored, it likely will become bigger and more fearful. There is no way to 'fix' a normal human emotion that is an appropriate response to uncertainty, especially in regards to health and safety (physical, financial, relational, etc). Instead of offering you a 'fix' we would like to invite you to pay attention to your fear or anxiety.

Your body is the most valuable resource you possess and we invite you to face in, with love, to yourself:
1. When the fear or anxiety arises, let yourself notice it in your body.
2. Notice the sensations of fear in your body. Where are they located? What are the qualities of sensation? Spend 4 mindful breaths allowing yourself to notice your fear/anxious sensation(s). 
3. Allow yourself to name it as you experience it - "I have a knot in my stomach. I feel scared." (notice that no explanation is needed here. There is no "because" required) 
4. Come back into your body, into that place where you felt the fear sensation and take 3 mindful breaths, just noticing.  
5. Check-in and ask yourself, "Do I still feel the scared/anxious feelings in my body?"
6. If the answer is no. Amazing....giving your anxiety or fear attention allowed it to move. Come back to this practice every time it arises. 
7. If the answer is yes, ask your body what is its impulse? Do you want to scream, air punch, run, growl? Where it will not cause distress or harm to others, allow yourself to express your impulse for a maximum of 1 minute or less. 
8. Come back to your body. Notice that place in your body where you felt the fear/anxiety sensation as you breathe 3 mindful breaths. Are those sensations lessened or gone? 
9. Try it and let us know how it goes for you.  
10. Repeat as often as fear or anxiety arise. 

Your sensations just want to move...and they need attention to let them do that. Once they've moved you will know what you need and want next.

Dietary and Lifestyle Immune Support

By Shelly Froehlich, LPC

We are in a very challenging state of health affairs. Keeping our physical body in the best health is critical right now. An expert, Board Certified Holistic Nutritionist, Susan Guegan, offers some excellent dietary and lifestyle immune support advice, compiled by the Institute of Functional Medicine, that can be an asset to you and your communities and is immediately within your control: 

https://www.ifm.org/news-insights/boosting-immunity-functional-medicine-tips-prevention-immunity-boosting-covid-19-coronavirus-outbreak

One of the best ways to help our immune system is through our digestive system. In addition to the above, I offer 5 quick tips: 

1. Increase your organic food intake when possible (organics may help to minimize stress on the body caused by chemicals and/or lack of nutrients in conventional crops)*

2.Eat a Rainbow of veggies/fruits every day (more veggies than fruits) 

3.Avoid overeating at any one meal which creates a burden on the body to break-down intake.**

4. Eat in a stress-free environment. Take “nature-breaks” throughout your day whether that means taking time to listen to a bird or taking a walk. ***

5. Make every bite count – minimize processed food intake, increase real whole-food intake according to your body’s needs and sensitivities.

References:

*Human health implications of organic food and organic agriculture: a comprehensive review

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5658984/ 

**What Happens When You Overeat:

https://www.mdanderson.org/publications/focused-on-health/What-happens-when-you-overeat.h23Z1592202.html

***Levels of Nature and Stress Response

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5981243/

www.cdc.gov

Susan Schiliro Guégan, NC                          

     Board Certified in Holistic Nutrition®

        MBS Functional Nutrition, Your Climate Diet Coach

        720.480.4266       susan.guegan@comcast.net

Happiness During the Holidays

By Shelly Froehlich, LPC

How to Implement Your Happiness During the Holidays

Many people find themselves wrapped up in blankets, cuddling on a cozy couch sometimes in front of a fireplace this time of year. Many of us simmer cider on the stove for that sweet and spicy aroma to sweep through the house. Root vegetables, fresh breads, and savory soups float to the top of cravings list. This time of the year emphasizes connection, love, generosity, gratefulness, and reflection. For some people this time of the year is a reminder of family dysfunction, disconnection, loss, and loneliness. It is also a time some people face end-of-year business deadlines, increased substance use, poor eating habits, darker, colder, and shorter days.

Retailers across the nation are flooding window fronts and every square inch of floor and wall space with anything remotely related to the holidays and what consumers might want to purchase. While, the reduced pricing and beautiful lights and displays are intriguing, many of us notice increased anxiety and stress; our nervous systems are ramping up, reminding us of potential threats, and old memories and experiences are triggered.

This post is to remind you that you are not alone and holiday stress and depression is common. It is imperative to take care of yourself during this season (and always). Here are some ideas for self care:

·      Slow, deep breaths

·      Exercise

·      Walking

·      Eating healthy and consistent meals

·      Getting plenty of rest

·      Yoga

·      Meditation

·      Take a bath

·      Get a massage

·      Practicing and sharing gratitude

·      Speaking your truth

·      GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND NOT WHAT YOU DON’T WANT TO DO!

What do I mean by, “Give yourself permission to do what you want and not what you don’t want”? I mean exactly that! What a concept! For generations we preach to one another about how important this time of year is, how family comes together, and all the things in between that we are ‘supposed’ to do. Yikes! What if we started living by what we want rather than what we’re supposed to do? The notion of ‘suppose to’ is someone else’s idea and/or belief. For this holiday season and for every day of the rest of your life, gift and live by your own desires and beliefs!

How to implement your happiness during this holiday season: 1) Ask yourself what is it that you have signed up for and/or are resisting doing, 2) Identify what your wants and don’t wants are, 3) Feel your emotions around these (sad, mad, scared, glad, excited), 4) Set your intentions (i.e.: going to the beach over Thanksgiving break instead of Grandma’s house or going to Grandma’s house instead of the beach) 5) Share your desires with your friends and family, 6) Feel your feelings and allow your friends and family to feel theirs as well as hold their own beliefs around your choices. *Remember, you are only responsible for yourself in this situation and you are an adult and are fully capable of making life choices on your own now! 7) Go do what you want.

Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Household - Part 4

By Shelly Froehlich, LPC

Healthy Living Through Healing

Healing? What does this even mean? The healing process is a longer journey of turning inward, acknowledging what happened and didn’t happen, understanding what was going on for you, around you, and for the individuals responsible for your life. It’s sometimes really challenging to see outside of the neglect and/or abuse and see parents struggling themself and ultimately doing their best. This is part of the healing process and believe it or not happens! We all can come around and see that our parent(s) did the very best they could. Additionally, healing means doing the psychological and somatic work to move the old experiences and stories through and out of the mind and body. It means untangling old beliefs about oneself, creating new healthy stories and behaviors. Throughout the healing journey one becomes less triggered, accepting of the things that happened, and able to continue on with regular day-to-day activities; living a normal, healthy, high functioning life.

The psychotherapeutic work involves talk therapy, somatic body movement, trauma therapy such as EMDR therapy, group engagement, and sometimes family therapy. Each person’s healing journey is unique. If you’ve resonated with any of the blog posts in this series, I highly recommend participating in the next ACOA / ACAD – Adult Children of Alcoholic, Addiction, Dysfunction process group; coming this fall.

In addition to psychotherapeutic support here’s a few suggestions you can work with to start your healing process:

1.     Move around: Disturbances and/or trauma get stuck in our bodies; these experiences disrupt our body’s natural flow and leave us in a state of fear and hyperarousal. When you get your body moving you’re freeing endorphins and burning adrenaline, which allows your system to get unstuck. Get yourself some form of exercise for at least 30 minutes a day. Hike, rigorously walk, lift weights, play basketball, run, swim, dancing and rock climbing are good options. Participate in an activity you can move your whole body, get your arms and legs moving at the same time. While your body is moving, pay attention to what the movement in your body feels like. Notice the sensations; arms moving at your sides, rocks crunching underneath your feet, the blood rushing to your forearms as your hold on the rock wall, the temperature and rhythm of your breath, etc.

2.     Notice your thoughts: Are your thoughts negative, closed-minded? This is commonly the case of underlying fear, current, perceived threat, or unresolved issues. Negativity ruminates in the mind and as humans we dig ourselves deeper with each negative thought. Suddenly before we know it, what was simply a minor irritation gets blown out of proportion and everything in one’s path seems terrible. This leads directly to stress in the body, chronic illness, and depression. Changing thought patterns is challenging. What we bring our attention to tends to get bigger. For instance, don’t think about a pink elephant. Don’t do it! Keep that image out of your mind. See, challenging. What did you see? A pink elephant! It’ll take some will power and practice; however, you’ll be able to get out of the pattern of thinking negatively by redirecting you mind and focus on something other than the thing that is bothering you. Imagine going on your favorite walk or hike. See the blades of grass, hear the rocks crunching under your feet with each step, see the tall trees and leaves flickering from the cool breeze…you can keep this story going. When you notice yourself thinking negatively, say to yourself, “No, I am going to think about this thing over here that is positive,” and then do just that. As you practice redirecting your thought patterns you are creating new neural pathways in your brain. What used to be a negative pattern will begin to shift into a positive one.

3.     Keep yourself in good company: Although you may want to curl up on the couch or in your dark bedroom, keep yourself in good company. Isolating tends to make things worse. Connect with friends and family. Things you can do together: go on walks, drink tea, attend yoga class, any form of exercise, meditate, volunteer somewhere, watch a comedy and laugh your butt off, join a book club or other social groups. Spending time face to face with other individuals does not mean you have to talk about your childhood, trauma, or lack of feeling awesome. The connection is essential and will support you shifting out of negative thought patterns, isolating and brewing on the negatives, stimulates and enhances your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing.

4.     Create boundaries: What are these? A boundary is a line that marks the limits of an area (Dictionary.com). Consider a boundary being a principle or guideline in which support you in living the life that you want. We all need to have and to constantly reinforce boundaries. Boundaries keep us safe, remind us of our limits, and enhance our happiness. Boundaries are a huge part of our lives: materials, physical body, emotions, thoughts, spirituality, and sexuality.

I often hear, “I don’t know what I want, so how do I create a boundary?” One step in creating a boundary is by reaching or experiencing something you don’t want. For instance, you may or may not have a food boundary. Mine is animal products; I don’t eat them. This is a rigid boundary for myself and I reinforce it constantly, as it is common for people to offer me animal based food items. What is your food boundary? Do you eat oysters? Ice cream? Lets look at physical boundaries. How do we each determine how close we want the person next to us to be? Our body gives us signals indicating when the person close by is too close. From there we can back up to create more distance or we can ask the person to take a step back.

One reason creating boundaries is an important element to healing the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional household is they support autonomy, safety, confidence, reduce the amount of taking care of others, and increase our capacity to live enjoyable lives.   

In closing, I’d like to remind you that arriving at a full understanding of the nuances of your past emotional influences isn’t something that is going to happen overnight. This can be a long, arduous journey with obstacles, and with the support and guidance, everything is possible. I have seen healing take place where depravity and hopelessness were all that seemed to be left. Think of this healing process similar to jogging a marathon rather than sprinting a 5K. It takes some time and it’s well worth every minute. The power of the human spirit never ceases to amaze me, which is why I’m so grateful to be working alongside people.

Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Household - Part 3

By Shelly Froehlich, LPC

Long-term Psychological Effects

So far in this series, I’ve discussed some common traits of dysfunctional families and how children develop means of adapting to their environment. Now moving on to long-term psychological effects that follow as a result of the environment.

Our country seems to be in denial around dysfunctional households. These environments are traumatic, not only that but it is traumatic for years, the most critical years of a person’s development. The children (adult children of alcohol, addiction, mental illness) who survive these households are incredibly strong, clever, dynamic, and resourceful. I’m astounded by their resiliency. I hear about these stories and see the strengths in the office daily.

A theme amongst people, who grew up in a dysfunctional household, is they often don’t realize how traumatic the experience was. Commonly, these households are believed to be ‘normal’. The child often believes this is how all households operate, simply not knowing any different. It’s usually later in adulthood when they reflect back and see how abnormal their environment was. I think about client, Riley (name changed for confidentiality purposes) whom I was seeing on a weekly basis. Riley reported typical and common symptoms of growing up in a dysfunctional household. Upon asking Riley about drugs, alcohol, and mental illness within the household Riley declined any knowledge of anything that would fit into those categories. “Nothing out of the usual.” That is also known as dad doesn’t beat up mom or mom isn’t passed out on the living room floor and jobless. The following session Riley came back in stating, “I see it now! I thought it was odd at the time but didn’t think much of it. My parent’s house was under fire evacuation and they hauled out a big box of alcohol. They didn’t pack up family photos or any sort of memorabilia, just booze.” Riley started putting pieces together in the sessions following. Another connection Riley made: pain pills were not prescribed for any legitimate injury or pain and after mom popped some pills, she disappeared for hours.

Even though many who have experienced childhood trauma due to a dysfunctional family dynamic may not have thought that their experience was abnormal (rather, many come to see the dysfunction as ‘typical’ or ‘just how things are’), the long-term psychological effects can be severe.

Growing up in a dysfunctional household means forming one’s entire worldview from within a very restrictive environment. When there is a lack of healthy, normal means of resolving conflict during such a formative period, children end up relying on abusive, violent, angry or avoidant means of solving problems. In addition to this, personality traits can develop that would not otherwise exist without having experienced the trauma. This is illustrated in the following mock patient narrative:

“Growing up, I had a lot more responsibility than my peers. Because my mom was always depressed, I had to accommodate for my siblings. It was me who got them ready for school. It was me who made sure they took their showers at night. It felt like my mother was just there as a piece of furniture in the house, except of course when she had to go to the hospital. Because of this, I never really got to be a kid, and now I work ridiculously hard, take on tons of unnecessary responsibility, and it’s all a farce. Inside, I’m completely vacant and alone.”

Childhood trauma due to dysfunctional family upbringings can manifest in many different ways. In fact, two siblings can have near identical childhood traumas and one many end up emotionally developing in a completely different way compared with a sibling. Because so many factors affect this turnout, it can be difficult to pinpoint what’s really driving the internal conflict. Regardless of the frequency or severity of the trauma, long-term psychological effects can include:

-       Anxiety disorders

-       Depression

-       Attachment issues

-       Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

-       Addiction

-       Anger/rage issues

-       Self-harm

-       Eating disorders

-       Mood regulating disorders

Given enough time and effort, true healing from traumatic childhoods can be achieved. Even though the emotional ruts may run deep, we have it within all of us to acknowledge what helped to form our minds and work with what we have today, and change the negative behaviors that are no longer serving us. Next week, we’ll be focusing on just that: healing. 

Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Household - Part 2 - Learned Coping Behaviors

By Shelly Froehlich, LPC

Learned Coping Behaviors and Methods of Survival

Families at all stages of development are prone to influences coming from within and outside the family unit and are down right challenging. This meaning that external factors such as jobs, friendships, community, proximity to natural green space, socio-economic status, religion, crime/violence, media, and political policies influence how families function. Right alongside, you’ll see the internal factors such as communication (between siblings, arguments between parents, or up the command chain – child to adult), nutrition, exercise, empathy, core values, knowledge, self-efficacy, honesty, addiction, alcoholism, and mental/emotional states, play integral roles in family development. Acknowledging where influences come from can help in better understanding the complicated dynamics, which are constantly at play. As we explore the dysfunctional characteristics more in depth, you’ll notice coping behaviors taken on by anyone as a way to adapt or survive the negative internal influences. These are often unconscious behaviors, become standard protocol or code of conduct and go unnoticed for quite some time. These behaviors are seen as and often are, normal within the family unit; however, become maladaptive later in life.

So what are these coping behaviors anyway? Avoidance, silence, denial, enabling (mistaken for altruism), passive aggression, spiritual bypassing, compartmentalizing, dissociation, self-harm, repression, suppression, trivializing, lying, humor, substance use, porn addiction, and food consumption are common.   

Let’s examine a hypothetical dysfunctional family situation. In the Robertson family, child, Sam (gender neutral) learns to cope with an alcoholic parent by avoiding their father when he comes home after a night of drinking, which happens frequently. In addition to avoidance, the child learns to not invite friends over or, for that matter, get close to anyone in fear of allowing them to experience the unpredictable, loud, intoxicated father. Sam avoids dad by staying in their bedroom (leads to isolation), is disconnected from parental support, connection, positive attention, and from friend support and engagement. Sam has learned to stick to one’s self and keep silent as to their experience(s) of dad. Sam also learns to occupy time through gaming or subscribing to porn over the Internet all while suppressing emotions related to this situation. When a parent asks Sam what they are working on, Sam answers with, “Working on my homework” (lying). These methods of keeping others at a distance continue after the child leaves home.

Children similar to Sam growing up in dysfunctional families often grow into adults who end up struggling with some of these traits: trusting others, sustaining intimate relationships, telling the truth, posses a tremendous fear of abandonment, over or under responsible, lack of boundaries, minimal or poor follow through, issues with addiction, constantly seek approval, and are extremely loyal even when in terrible situations/relationships. Unlearning and revamping someone’s methods of interacting with society, the self, and others within the family can sometimes take years to accomplish, depending on the severity of childhood experiences, traumas, resources, and one’s willingness to change. There are healthy ways to heal. This begins with identifying and naming what happened and didn’t happen in one’s household, making connections with what were dysfunctional behaviors, and coping strategies.

Thankfully there are resources available specifically tailored to assisting individuals dealing with trust, love, loss or even basic, day-to-day social interaction. You can find this support at Evolve In Nature whether that is through individual, couple’s, and/or group therapy. Additionally, there are effective therapy groups including Survivors of Incest or Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (ACODF), and organizations like Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA), Alanon, or Codependents Anonymous (CODA), which focus on equipping group members with self-help tools they can use to overcome their obstacles.

In the next installment of this series, we’ll be discussing specific steps that can be taken to begin the healing process. Stay tuned!

Growing up in a dysfunctional household - Part 1 - What Makes For a Dysfunctional Family?

By Shelly Froehlich, LPC

What makes for a dysfunctional family?

Family dynamics are complex and involve many factors contributing to how the family unit operates. Identifying and defining all of the various ways in which a family can become or sustain a dysfunctional state requires much, much more effort and time than would be deserving of a blog post. So, we’re kicking off a four-part series dealing directly with dysfunctional families, their geneses, hallmarks and other identifying characteristics. Our intention is to shed light on the questions of why and how dysfunctional families exist, how family members can cope and recover within and from them, and what we can learn about ourselves in the process of understanding the dysfunctional home in which we grew up.

What is Dysfunctional?

As people talk about what dysfunctional actually means, definitions vary. For the purpose of this discussion, we’re going to use the term ‘dysfunctional’ to refer to families in which one or both parents more frequently than not, drank alcohol, participated in legal, illegal, and/or over-the-counter drugs, addiction whether that be food, porn, shopping, substance use, and/or mental illness diagnosed or undiagnosed were present. According to the NCADD (National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence), 2017, “More than half of all adults have a family history of alcoholism or problem drinking.” That seems like a lot of homes with dysfunction and this isn’t including drugs or mental illness existing within the family. That being said, we either relate strongly with these posts or know someone close to us who does.

Here are a few examples of common characteristics found within families with dysfunction:

·      Denial - Denial runs rampant throughout the household and plays a dynamic role supporting the cycle. Acknowledging the reality of the mental illness, alcoholism, or addiction would be too painful or consequential for the rest of the family. Denial becomes the de-facto position for everyone.

o   “Mom isn’t feeling well and is sleeping.” Also known as passed out, hung over, detoxing, depressed, etc.

o   The morning after an evening of chaos, drama, and fighting everyone seems to go about business as usual and if anyone asks, “How are you doing?” the answer consistently is, “Oh great, everyone is doing so great.” 

·      Subjective love and affection - Seen through the parent giving privileged treatment, demonstrations of love and affection to one family member over another or based on one’s performance, has to be earned, or other commonly unpredictable conditions. Some reasons for preferential treatment from the parent is often related to their mood, intoxication level, their personal agenda, the child’s birth order, ability level, or physical appearance.

o   “If you play quietly in your room while we have our friends over, Daddy might read you a book before going to bed.” Or…”I’m not going to tuck you in tonight if you come out of your room before I say you can, and stop that pouting.”  “Look how sweet and beautiful your big sister is.” 

·      Unhealthy boundaries – Boundaries support our individualism, the minimum and maximum of what we want and keep us safe emotionally and physically. Growing up in a dysfunctional household one might learn very loose or ridged boundaries, maybe even no boundaries. Without clear boundaries it is nearly impossible to determine what emotions are a parents and what is the child’s or what one’s limits are. That old saying, “What is mine is yours” is detrimental when it comes to emotional space and boundaries. Children must learn Mom’s emotions are hers and she is responsible for feeling them. Children need space to play and have fun rather than being the witness and/or sounding board for a depressed parent; children need kid conversations rather than adult conversations.

o   When a kid starts their morning by punching their little sibling in the arm, it may just seem like a ritual they go through every day before going to school. Another example is a parent sobbing at the kitchen counter and sharing with the child how horrible their life is and they want to die.

o   Perhaps your parent treated you as their best friend rather than a parent.

o   Maybe you can relate to an overly or uninvolved parent; going through your personal items or missing every sports game you played in.

o   There’s also the example of witnessing your parent(s) getting high or drunk resulting in you having free reign to do whatever and go wherever you want because they don’t want to be disturbed or are too out of it to pay any attention.

Keep in mind this isn’t a comprehensive list of dysfunctional family characteristics. We’re just getting started, and in the next few installments of this series, we’ll be discussing adaptive behaviors, long-term psychological effects and how to begin the healing process. For more information you can go to: http://www.evolveinnature.com/adult-children-of-alcoholic/ 

Stay tuned!